The Naive Alienator
"Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes."
Most divorced parents have moments when they are naive about their alienating behavior. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. They encourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and their family. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they will have their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it.
Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeing their parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow, the children manage to cope; either by talking out their feelings to a receptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will pass and all will heal. What they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the naïve alienator. They trust their parent's love and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards the targeted parent.
The characteristics of naïve alienators are:
Remember that naive alienators are usually ignorant about what they are doing and have no malicious intent. A parent dealing with a naive alienator should not panic and should instead trust his or her relationship with their children. Children learn early that their parents will say things they don’t mean. They are very adept at letting things go in one ear and out the other. If parents believe there is a problem trusting children’s reaction to alienation, they need to focus on strengthening the relationship rather than retaliating against the other parent. They should monitor their own reactions and behaviors so they don’t start their own alienating campaign. They should try talking to the other parent without making accusations or attacking. The other parent may appreciate their comments if the targeted parent says them with some sensitivity.
Attorneys may suggest the following practices to clients in this situation:
• Be sure that the majority of time with children is positive, and avoid yelling and screaming which will drive children away;
• Praise children for what they do well; if all they hear is criticism, they will learn to avoid the source of the criticism;
• Play with them at their developmental level and do what they, rather than what parents, want to do;
• After discipline or punishment, make a point to make up;
• Listen to what the child has to say;
• Give hugs and kisses if they are receptive;
• Brag about the children to others;
• Attend school sport and social functions;
• Have their pictures around the house.
Strengthening the relationship with children takes time. Parents need to be reminded by their attorney to be patient and resist any desire to retaliate. Retaliation only makes matters worse and hurts the children.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
"Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him buy your soccer shoes."
Most divorced parents have moments when they are naive about their alienating behavior. These parents mean well and recognize the importance of the children having a healthy relationship with the other parent. They rarely have to return to court because of problems with visits or other issues relating to the children. They encourage the relationship between the children and the other parent and their family. Communication between both parents is usually good, though they will have their disagreements, much like they did before the divorce. For the most part, they can work out their differences without bringing the children into it.
Children, whether or not their parents are divorced, know there are times when their parents will argue or disagree about something. They don't like seeing their parents argue and may feel hurt or frightened by what they hear. Somehow, the children manage to cope; either by talking out their feelings to a receptive parent, ignoring the argument or trusting that the skirmish will pass and all will heal. What they see and hear between their parents does not typically damage the children of the naïve alienator. They trust their parent's love and protection. The child and the parent have distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. Neither is threatened by how the other feels towards the targeted parent.
The characteristics of naïve alienators are:
- Their ability to separate in their minds the children's needs from their own. They recognize the importance for the children to spend time with the other parent so they can build a mutually loving relationship. They avoid making the other parent a target for their hurt and loss.
- Their ability to feel secure with the children's relationship with their grandparents and their mother or father.
- Their respect for court orders and authority.
- Their ability to let their anger and hurt heal and not interfere with the children's relationship with their mother or father.
- Their ability to be flexible and willing to work with the other parent.
- Their ability to feel guilty when they acted in a way to hurt the children's relationship with their mother or father.
- Their ability to allow the other parent to share in their children's activities.
- Their ability to share medical and school records.
Remember that naive alienators are usually ignorant about what they are doing and have no malicious intent. A parent dealing with a naive alienator should not panic and should instead trust his or her relationship with their children. Children learn early that their parents will say things they don’t mean. They are very adept at letting things go in one ear and out the other. If parents believe there is a problem trusting children’s reaction to alienation, they need to focus on strengthening the relationship rather than retaliating against the other parent. They should monitor their own reactions and behaviors so they don’t start their own alienating campaign. They should try talking to the other parent without making accusations or attacking. The other parent may appreciate their comments if the targeted parent says them with some sensitivity.
Attorneys may suggest the following practices to clients in this situation:
• Be sure that the majority of time with children is positive, and avoid yelling and screaming which will drive children away;
• Praise children for what they do well; if all they hear is criticism, they will learn to avoid the source of the criticism;
• Play with them at their developmental level and do what they, rather than what parents, want to do;
• After discipline or punishment, make a point to make up;
• Listen to what the child has to say;
• Give hugs and kisses if they are receptive;
• Brag about the children to others;
• Attend school sport and social functions;
• Have their pictures around the house.
Strengthening the relationship with children takes time. Parents need to be reminded by their attorney to be patient and resist any desire to retaliate. Retaliation only makes matters worse and hurts the children.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
