IDENTIFYING ALIENATION
1. Expecting the Children to Keep Quiet
One of the less malicious forms of alienation is expecting children to keep secrets. It can be very harmful to a child to be told by a parent to say nothing about what is happening with the divorce to the other parent. The child is not only placed in the uncomfortable position of lying to protect the alienating parent, but he or she is getting the subtle message that something is wrong with the targeted parent.
2. Having Secrets and Codes with the Children
When children and one parent have secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meaning, there is potential for damage to the children’s relationship with their other parent.
It is one of the most blatant forms of alienation. Telling the children, “Don’t tell your mother,” “This will be our little secret,” or “When I say ‘whimsy,’ call me tomorrow,” creates an exclusive relationship that psychologically excludes the other parent. The secrecy implies there is something wrong with the other parent that justifies such behavior. The victimized parent is portrayed as not understanding or as someone who “doesn’t want us to have fun.”
3. Using the Children as Spies Against the Other Parent
Children get a very damaging message that demeans the targeted parent when they are asked to spy or gather information covertly about the other parent. The subtle message is, “Mom is bad” or “Dad is doing something wrong.” These messages will cause the children to become suspicious of the targeted parent and to pull away emotionally. If the alienating parent is clever, he or she may lead the children to believe they are playing a game while gathering the information.
4. Using the Children as Witnesses in Court
A variation of gathering damaging information is using the children as witnesses against the other parent. When a parent decides to seek custody, he or she realizes the need to build a case against the ex-spouse to impugn their competency to parent. The parent, along with the attorney, knows this requires information. Boyfriends spending the night, drinking, smoking in the presence of an allergic child, or using drugs are all arguments that have been used to settle a custody dispute. As discussed earlier, the parent may draft the children into service to gather information covertly against the other parent. While the process is occurring, alienation evolves between the children and the targeted parent.
5. Dealing with Children Who Volunteer Information
If the children volunteer information about what occurs in the ex-spouse’s home, parents should casually listen to what they say. They should not interrogate the children by asking numerous questions. Instead, the children should be trusted to disclose any significant information. When they are ready, they will usually tell a parent if there is something wrong. Parents should listen to what their children say without getting upset, making judgments or accusations. Otherwise, the children will become upset, causing them to temper their story.
Abstract from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
1. Expecting the Children to Keep Quiet
One of the less malicious forms of alienation is expecting children to keep secrets. It can be very harmful to a child to be told by a parent to say nothing about what is happening with the divorce to the other parent. The child is not only placed in the uncomfortable position of lying to protect the alienating parent, but he or she is getting the subtle message that something is wrong with the targeted parent.
2. Having Secrets and Codes with the Children
When children and one parent have secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meaning, there is potential for damage to the children’s relationship with their other parent.
It is one of the most blatant forms of alienation. Telling the children, “Don’t tell your mother,” “This will be our little secret,” or “When I say ‘whimsy,’ call me tomorrow,” creates an exclusive relationship that psychologically excludes the other parent. The secrecy implies there is something wrong with the other parent that justifies such behavior. The victimized parent is portrayed as not understanding or as someone who “doesn’t want us to have fun.”
3. Using the Children as Spies Against the Other Parent
Children get a very damaging message that demeans the targeted parent when they are asked to spy or gather information covertly about the other parent. The subtle message is, “Mom is bad” or “Dad is doing something wrong.” These messages will cause the children to become suspicious of the targeted parent and to pull away emotionally. If the alienating parent is clever, he or she may lead the children to believe they are playing a game while gathering the information.
4. Using the Children as Witnesses in Court
A variation of gathering damaging information is using the children as witnesses against the other parent. When a parent decides to seek custody, he or she realizes the need to build a case against the ex-spouse to impugn their competency to parent. The parent, along with the attorney, knows this requires information. Boyfriends spending the night, drinking, smoking in the presence of an allergic child, or using drugs are all arguments that have been used to settle a custody dispute. As discussed earlier, the parent may draft the children into service to gather information covertly against the other parent. While the process is occurring, alienation evolves between the children and the targeted parent.
5. Dealing with Children Who Volunteer Information
If the children volunteer information about what occurs in the ex-spouse’s home, parents should casually listen to what they say. They should not interrogate the children by asking numerous questions. Instead, the children should be trusted to disclose any significant information. When they are ready, they will usually tell a parent if there is something wrong. Parents should listen to what their children say without getting upset, making judgments or accusations. Otherwise, the children will become upset, causing them to temper their story.
Abstract from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
