The Active Alienator
"I don't want you to tell your father that I earned this extra money. The miser will take it from his child support check and that will keep us from going to Disneyland. You remember he's done this before when we wanted to go to Grandma's for Christmas."
Many parents returning to court over problems with visitation are active alienators. These parents mean well and believe that the children should have a healthy relationship with the other parent. The problem they have is with controlling their frustration, bitterness or hurt. When something happens to trigger their painful feelings, active alienators lash out in a way to cause or reinforce alienation against the targeted parent. After regaining control, the parent will usually feel guilty or bad about what they did and back off from their alienating tactics. Vacillating between impulsively alienating and then repairing the damage with the children is the trademark of the active alienator. They mean well, but will lose control because the intensity of their feelings overwhelms them.
The characteristics of active alienators are:
How a parent deals with the active alienator is similar to the naive alienator. Parents must stay calm, trust their relationship with their children, and resist retaliating. The difficulty a parent has with the active alienator is the parent’s inability to control the rage and hurt built up inside. The feelings can interfere with the targeted parent’s relationship and time spent with the children. Together, both parents need education and counseling to focus on the issues causing the problems. Sometimes, the active alienator requires individual therapy to help with their loss and grief. A parent should support these efforts without being punitive. Taking this tactic, the children will be better off in the long run.
Attorneys can be very helpful to their client if they are targeted for alienation by suggesting that they:
• Don’t panic;
• Become a supportive listener;
• Guard against becoming an alienator, beginning by knowing the symptoms;
• Resist the temptation to argue or get defensive if the problem continues, and try to talk openly about what one is seeing and feeling. Work on keeping the relationship with the child strong;
• Don’t violate court orders;
• Begin a log of activities if problems with parenting time develop;
• Don’t be intimated into stopping parenting time, and remember that attorneys can be crucial in advising parents of their rights.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
"I don't want you to tell your father that I earned this extra money. The miser will take it from his child support check and that will keep us from going to Disneyland. You remember he's done this before when we wanted to go to Grandma's for Christmas."
Many parents returning to court over problems with visitation are active alienators. These parents mean well and believe that the children should have a healthy relationship with the other parent. The problem they have is with controlling their frustration, bitterness or hurt. When something happens to trigger their painful feelings, active alienators lash out in a way to cause or reinforce alienation against the targeted parent. After regaining control, the parent will usually feel guilty or bad about what they did and back off from their alienating tactics. Vacillating between impulsively alienating and then repairing the damage with the children is the trademark of the active alienator. They mean well, but will lose control because the intensity of their feelings overwhelms them.
The characteristics of active alienators are:
- Lashing out at the other parent in front of the children. Their problem has more to do with loss of self-control when they are upset than with a sinister motivation.
- After calming down, active alienators realize that they were wrong. They usually try to repair any damage or hurt to the children. During the making up, such parents can be very comforting and supportive of the child's feelings.
- Like naïve alienators, they are able to differentiate between their needs and those of the children by supporting the children's desire to have a relationship with the other parent.
- Like naïve alienators, active alienators allow the children to have different feelings and beliefs from their own. During the flare-ups of anger, however, the delineation between the child and parent's beliefs can become very blurry until the parent calms down and regains control. For the most part, older children have their own opinions about both parents based upon personal experience rather than what they are told by others. To keep peace, the older child usually learns to keep their opinions to themselves. Younger and more trusting children become more confused and vulnerable to their parents' manipulations.
- They have the ability to respect the court's authority and, for the most part, comply with court orders. However, they can be very rigid and uncooperative with the other parent. This is usually a passive attempt to strike back at the other parent for some injustice.
- Active alienators are usually willing to accept professional help when they or the children have a problem that does not go away. They are sincerely concerned about their children's adjustment to the divorce. Harboring old feelings continues to be a struggle, but active alienators continue to hope for a speedy recovery from their pain.
How a parent deals with the active alienator is similar to the naive alienator. Parents must stay calm, trust their relationship with their children, and resist retaliating. The difficulty a parent has with the active alienator is the parent’s inability to control the rage and hurt built up inside. The feelings can interfere with the targeted parent’s relationship and time spent with the children. Together, both parents need education and counseling to focus on the issues causing the problems. Sometimes, the active alienator requires individual therapy to help with their loss and grief. A parent should support these efforts without being punitive. Taking this tactic, the children will be better off in the long run.
Attorneys can be very helpful to their client if they are targeted for alienation by suggesting that they:
• Don’t panic;
• Become a supportive listener;
• Guard against becoming an alienator, beginning by knowing the symptoms;
• Resist the temptation to argue or get defensive if the problem continues, and try to talk openly about what one is seeing and feeling. Work on keeping the relationship with the child strong;
• Don’t violate court orders;
• Begin a log of activities if problems with parenting time develop;
• Don’t be intimated into stopping parenting time, and remember that attorneys can be crucial in advising parents of their rights.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
