Common Alienation-Related Visitation Problems
1. “I Don’t Want to Visit, and You Can’t Make Me!”
The most common symptom of alienation is the child’s unwavering insistence on not wanting to visit the targeted parent. Some of their reasons may sound reasonable, while others are ridiculous. A teen in love would rather be with the boyfriend than seeing dad; sometimes an important ball game conflicts with mom’s weekend. Even with good reasons, however, changing visits should only be an occasional interruption to a consistent pattern of visits. When the excuses become a pattern, one can reasonably expect that a parent is trying to alienate the other parent from his or her children. In such a case, an obsessed alienator is often behind the excuses.
2. “Sweetheart, Do You Really Want to Visit Daddy This Weekend?”
Courts must maintain the position that a parent should not offer his or her children choices that are contrary to court orders. Doing so sabotages the court’s authority. Judges faced with such a parent can remind the parent that children have no choice about other matters, such as attending school, and visitation is similar.
However, it is difficult for a parent to know what to do when children complain about visits at the same time the court insists on compliance with the visitation order. The parent may want to support the children’s wishes while knowing he or she could be held in contempt by the court. The parent’s desire to please the children and frustration for having to enforce the visitation order will incite anger. The parent’s anger may be inappropriately directed toward the ex-spouse for insisting upon seeing the children. However, to avoid the possibility of alienation, a parent should not give the children a false impression that they have a choice about visitation when, in fact, there is no choice.
3. “If the Kids Don’t Want to See You, What Can I Do?”
Rather than taking responsibility for interfering with visits, many alienating parents place the blame on the children. This can take many forms. First, the alienating parent can pretend to be a sympathetic harbinger of bad news: “Isn’t it a shame that the children don’t want to visit you?”
Alternately, a parent may make a passive attempt to alienate by appearing neutral and uninvolved while denying any responsibility for the child’s behavior. Such a parent may say, “My son knows what he wants. I’m not getting involved.” Other alienating parents may profess a lack of control over the children’s wishes: “I can’t force them to visit! If they don’t want to go, that’s their choice.”
4. “Dad, I Can’t Go to Disneyland. It’s Mom’s Weekend.”
Both parents should know the children’s visitation schedule. The schedule outlined by the court will allow parents an opportunity to plan vacations and spend recreational time with their children.
There should be no confusion regarding where the children are going on any particular week or weekend. Parents know how easy it is to entice children to spend time with them. They know their children will want to go anywhere they think will be the most fun. Dangling a temptation like a trip to the amusement park or the beach will cause the children to feel torn between wanting to go and wanting to spend time with their other parent. This is a common alienating tactic.
5. “I Have a Date. Why Do I Have to Visit Dad This Weekend?”
When children become teenagers, their social life becomes more independent. Visits which interfere
with their social life can become an annoyance, especially when they fall in love. Almost any teen would rather be with a boyfriend or girlfriend than with a parent, particularly when visits prevent access to their friend. Parents need to empathize with their children’s desires and not take what seems like rejection personally. Instead, the noncustodial parent needs to be flexible and willing to negotiate. If a parent fights, he or she may get the visit, but this is scant comfort if a teen’s attitude makes the visit miserable. Parents need to be told by the court to negotiate with teenagers.
6. “Mom, Will You Come Get Me? I’m Bored.”
Rescuing is a subtle alienating tactic, because it allows the rescuing parent to appear as a concerned and caring parent trying to do what’s best for the children. Any responsible parent seeks to protect children from any potential harm or threat to their safety, even if the threat is from the ex-spouse. When parents believe they have reason to be concerned, they will be vigilant and listen closely for anything that seems a potential threat or sounds out of the ordinary. At the same time, wise parents realize their children’s account of what happens on a visit may be misunderstood or distorted. A wise parent will be cautious before reacting to what children say.
7. “One of These Days, I Know He’s Going Again.”
Sometimes there is so much bitterness between the spouses that the mere sight of the other’s face triggers intense rage. Whether the rage is justified is not the issue; parents always have a way to rationalize their anger. When parents cannot control their anger and be civil with each other, contact between them may need to be limited to a public or a supervised setting.
Many parents don’t understand the limits of a restraining or protection order. Some question the value of a restraining order, but it can be effective with parents who respect the law. A restraining order is no guarantee that a parent’s safety is protected, although it is more helpful than harmful. Some parents not intimidated by the legal system may ignore a restraining order, perhaps because they do not believe their ex will call the police or sign the complaint. They may also simply not care.
8. “Sorry, Sweetheart, I Can’t Come to Your Recital It’s Not My Time to Visit You.”
Courts can prevent much misunderstanding by being specific in outlining the parent’s rights to attend the children’s activities. Often, the noncustodial parent believes that he or she must have the custodial parent’s permission to attend the children’s activities. This sets up a potential power struggle between parents. Many parents, usually fathers, feel very humiliated by asking for permission. To avoid a possible fight and the humiliation from losing the argument, noncustodial parents refuse to ask permission. They just don’t show up. Unfortunately, the children do not understand this. The children often interpret a parent’s absence as rejection, not understanding the hurt the parent may feel not attending the activity. The child may assume the noncustodial parent does not want to attend, even if the rejection is caused by the custodial parent’s lack of cooperation. The noncustodial parent misses the opportunity to see their children perform. The children are hurt. Everyone loses, except the alienating parent.
Attorneys should remember the following tips when confronting these issues:
• Courts need to encourage both parents to attend the children’s activities;
• Parents should be encouraged to plan the children’s social activities together if the activities are expensive or may potentially interfere with parenting time;
• Parents should be warned not to schedule the children in too many activities, since numerous activities interfere with parenting time;
• Custodial parents have more power than noncustodial parents do because they have physical possession of the children, and courts that sanction this power run the risk of enhancing the conflicts and hostilities between parents;
• Children’s activities are for everyone to enjoy, so parents sometimes must be reminded to put their feelings aside and support the other parent’s desire to attend school activities, games, or recitals;
• A subtle form of alienation occurs when the custodial parent,. knowing the other parent made a promise to do something during their time, refuses the visit, since the child may blame the innocent parent;
• Children should not completely dictate who attends their activities; if having both parents present causes them tension, parents can help by being polite and focusing their attention on what their child is doing rather than on each other;
• Parents should make a conscious effort to give children permission to greet the other parent when both attend the same activity.
9. “She’s Got Gymnastics or Swimming Every Weekend. You Can’t Expect Her to Visit.”
Children should not be scheduled in so many activities that parenting time becomes impossible or restricted. Overscheduling is an act of alienation that causes stress to the children and inflicts damage to their relationship with their other parent. “If your father really cared about you, he wouldn’t expect you to choose between scouts and visits. He should understand there are times when you are too busy to visit,” is a statement that rationalizes a parent’s attempt to alienate. In essence, the parent is saying that the children’s activities are more important than any relationship the child could have with the other parent.
Abstract from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
1. “I Don’t Want to Visit, and You Can’t Make Me!”
The most common symptom of alienation is the child’s unwavering insistence on not wanting to visit the targeted parent. Some of their reasons may sound reasonable, while others are ridiculous. A teen in love would rather be with the boyfriend than seeing dad; sometimes an important ball game conflicts with mom’s weekend. Even with good reasons, however, changing visits should only be an occasional interruption to a consistent pattern of visits. When the excuses become a pattern, one can reasonably expect that a parent is trying to alienate the other parent from his or her children. In such a case, an obsessed alienator is often behind the excuses.
2. “Sweetheart, Do You Really Want to Visit Daddy This Weekend?”
Courts must maintain the position that a parent should not offer his or her children choices that are contrary to court orders. Doing so sabotages the court’s authority. Judges faced with such a parent can remind the parent that children have no choice about other matters, such as attending school, and visitation is similar.
However, it is difficult for a parent to know what to do when children complain about visits at the same time the court insists on compliance with the visitation order. The parent may want to support the children’s wishes while knowing he or she could be held in contempt by the court. The parent’s desire to please the children and frustration for having to enforce the visitation order will incite anger. The parent’s anger may be inappropriately directed toward the ex-spouse for insisting upon seeing the children. However, to avoid the possibility of alienation, a parent should not give the children a false impression that they have a choice about visitation when, in fact, there is no choice.
3. “If the Kids Don’t Want to See You, What Can I Do?”
Rather than taking responsibility for interfering with visits, many alienating parents place the blame on the children. This can take many forms. First, the alienating parent can pretend to be a sympathetic harbinger of bad news: “Isn’t it a shame that the children don’t want to visit you?”
Alternately, a parent may make a passive attempt to alienate by appearing neutral and uninvolved while denying any responsibility for the child’s behavior. Such a parent may say, “My son knows what he wants. I’m not getting involved.” Other alienating parents may profess a lack of control over the children’s wishes: “I can’t force them to visit! If they don’t want to go, that’s their choice.”
4. “Dad, I Can’t Go to Disneyland. It’s Mom’s Weekend.”
Both parents should know the children’s visitation schedule. The schedule outlined by the court will allow parents an opportunity to plan vacations and spend recreational time with their children.
There should be no confusion regarding where the children are going on any particular week or weekend. Parents know how easy it is to entice children to spend time with them. They know their children will want to go anywhere they think will be the most fun. Dangling a temptation like a trip to the amusement park or the beach will cause the children to feel torn between wanting to go and wanting to spend time with their other parent. This is a common alienating tactic.
5. “I Have a Date. Why Do I Have to Visit Dad This Weekend?”
When children become teenagers, their social life becomes more independent. Visits which interfere
with their social life can become an annoyance, especially when they fall in love. Almost any teen would rather be with a boyfriend or girlfriend than with a parent, particularly when visits prevent access to their friend. Parents need to empathize with their children’s desires and not take what seems like rejection personally. Instead, the noncustodial parent needs to be flexible and willing to negotiate. If a parent fights, he or she may get the visit, but this is scant comfort if a teen’s attitude makes the visit miserable. Parents need to be told by the court to negotiate with teenagers.
6. “Mom, Will You Come Get Me? I’m Bored.”
Rescuing is a subtle alienating tactic, because it allows the rescuing parent to appear as a concerned and caring parent trying to do what’s best for the children. Any responsible parent seeks to protect children from any potential harm or threat to their safety, even if the threat is from the ex-spouse. When parents believe they have reason to be concerned, they will be vigilant and listen closely for anything that seems a potential threat or sounds out of the ordinary. At the same time, wise parents realize their children’s account of what happens on a visit may be misunderstood or distorted. A wise parent will be cautious before reacting to what children say.
7. “One of These Days, I Know He’s Going Again.”
Sometimes there is so much bitterness between the spouses that the mere sight of the other’s face triggers intense rage. Whether the rage is justified is not the issue; parents always have a way to rationalize their anger. When parents cannot control their anger and be civil with each other, contact between them may need to be limited to a public or a supervised setting.
Many parents don’t understand the limits of a restraining or protection order. Some question the value of a restraining order, but it can be effective with parents who respect the law. A restraining order is no guarantee that a parent’s safety is protected, although it is more helpful than harmful. Some parents not intimidated by the legal system may ignore a restraining order, perhaps because they do not believe their ex will call the police or sign the complaint. They may also simply not care.
8. “Sorry, Sweetheart, I Can’t Come to Your Recital It’s Not My Time to Visit You.”
Courts can prevent much misunderstanding by being specific in outlining the parent’s rights to attend the children’s activities. Often, the noncustodial parent believes that he or she must have the custodial parent’s permission to attend the children’s activities. This sets up a potential power struggle between parents. Many parents, usually fathers, feel very humiliated by asking for permission. To avoid a possible fight and the humiliation from losing the argument, noncustodial parents refuse to ask permission. They just don’t show up. Unfortunately, the children do not understand this. The children often interpret a parent’s absence as rejection, not understanding the hurt the parent may feel not attending the activity. The child may assume the noncustodial parent does not want to attend, even if the rejection is caused by the custodial parent’s lack of cooperation. The noncustodial parent misses the opportunity to see their children perform. The children are hurt. Everyone loses, except the alienating parent.
Attorneys should remember the following tips when confronting these issues:
• Courts need to encourage both parents to attend the children’s activities;
• Parents should be encouraged to plan the children’s social activities together if the activities are expensive or may potentially interfere with parenting time;
• Parents should be warned not to schedule the children in too many activities, since numerous activities interfere with parenting time;
• Custodial parents have more power than noncustodial parents do because they have physical possession of the children, and courts that sanction this power run the risk of enhancing the conflicts and hostilities between parents;
• Children’s activities are for everyone to enjoy, so parents sometimes must be reminded to put their feelings aside and support the other parent’s desire to attend school activities, games, or recitals;
• A subtle form of alienation occurs when the custodial parent,. knowing the other parent made a promise to do something during their time, refuses the visit, since the child may blame the innocent parent;
• Children should not completely dictate who attends their activities; if having both parents present causes them tension, parents can help by being polite and focusing their attention on what their child is doing rather than on each other;
• Parents should make a conscious effort to give children permission to greet the other parent when both attend the same activity.
9. “She’s Got Gymnastics or Swimming Every Weekend. You Can’t Expect Her to Visit.”
Children should not be scheduled in so many activities that parenting time becomes impossible or restricted. Overscheduling is an act of alienation that causes stress to the children and inflicts damage to their relationship with their other parent. “If your father really cared about you, he wouldn’t expect you to choose between scouts and visits. He should understand there are times when you are too busy to visit,” is a statement that rationalizes a parent’s attempt to alienate. In essence, the parent is saying that the children’s activities are more important than any relationship the child could have with the other parent.
Abstract from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
