Schools, Child Care Agencies and their Workers
Schools and child care agencies are often on the front line when it comes to dealing with the problems associated with families in conflict as a result of separation and divorce. Many teachers and school officials will undoubtedly have to deal with children from broken homes where parental conflict is high and where HAP is noticably present. Through their extensive day-to-day involvement with children, teachers and early childhood educators may often be in a position where they are exposed to the behaviour of hostile-aggressive parents or may observe the effects of HAP with children they teach or care for.
Quite often, HAP parents (usually custodial) will attempt to drag the school into the conflict and will attempt to mislead school officials to take sides against the other parent, often against the wishes and preferences of the child. By large, the most common problem that school officials face is the situation where the custodial HAP parent will attempt to have school officials restrict the other parent’s access to the chid while the child is at school. The custodial parent will advise school officials (usually the principal or the child’s teacher) and advise principal and/or staff that they are the custodial parent and that the other parent cannot contact the child except during the other parent’s access time.
The most common things that an HAP parent may do to involve school officials in their campaign against the other parent are:
1) Advise school staff of the other parent’s court Ordered access times and attempt to mislead school officials into believing that the court Order is to be interpreted as meaning that the other parent cannot see or be with the child at any other time than the times scheduled in the court Order.
2) Advise school staff that the other parent is not allowed to take the child out to lunch or to be at the school at times which are not specified on the court Order.
3) Tell staff that if the other parent shows up to school that the custodial parent should be notified immediately.
4) Tell staff that the other parent should not be allowed to participate in school activities with the child such as helping the teacher or attending school outings, etc.
Unfortunately, school officials are to often misled by HAP parents and end up causing harm to the child by becoming active participants of the HAP parent’s campaign to exercise power and control over the non-custodial parent.
At any time, should a parent request school officials to take an action that would appear to unfairly advantage one parent or contradict a child’s reasonable wishes and preferences, the school should become highly suspicious of this parent’s request as chances are it is not in the best interest of the
child. Children affected by HAP should perceive the school as a safe haven for them where they are free from parents harassing or intimidating them while on school property. If a child indicates that they do not feel comfortable with a particular parent coming to the school and there would appear to
be reasonable reason for this, then school officials should respect the child’s wishes by keeping that parent from coming on school property.
Schools and day care facilities need to have appropriate policies regarding children who are being exposed to abuse by a HAP parent. Schools should also develop protocols when abuse by an HAP parent is suspected.
Some of the things that schools and child care agencies and their workers can do to help protect children are as follows:
a. Ensure that all workers working with children are educated about Hostile-Aggressive parenting and its solutions as part of their training.
b. Before accepting children into a child daycare facility, providers should ideally meet both parents before agreeing to provide day care services or at the very least provide both parents the equal opportunity to meet with providers. Make parents aware right up front that there will be no discrimination against either parent.
c. At all times, schools and day care facilities should provide both parents with the same level of service, courtesy and access to information unless a clear court Order indicates otherwise. Schools especially, should be wary of discriminating against parents as this may violate constitutional laws and result in an expensive and messy lawsuit. Schools and daycare facilities must send a clear message to those children affected by separation and divorce that schools and daycare facilities are a safe place for children and that Hostile-Aggressive Parenting behaviour will not be tolerated.
d. School officials should be willing to speak to the child and to be aware of the child’s wishes and preferences if requested to do so. Quite often, children will report abuse to teachers they trust before they will report it to strangers such as child welfare protection workers. Again, school officials must make themselves aware of the possibility of parental coaching of young children and know how to question children appropriately. In all instances
children must be interviewed outside the presence of either of the parents either inside or even outside of the room. Children who have not been coached by a parent should be able to clearly articulate their wishes and preferences and provide clear reasons to support their wishes.
e. Never interfere with one parent’s access to services based on the request of only one parent. Should one parent try to interfere with the child’s relationship with another parent or with one parent’s relationship with the school or day care facility or any worker, then insist that the parent present a court order requires the school or day care facility to comply with these demands or at the very least, provide reasonable third party information, in writing, to support the parent’s claims. Claims by HAP parents often begin to fall apart when they are asked for credible evidence to support their claims.
f. In all cases where parents are requesting school officials to take some form of action which
they claim is to protect the child, then some sort of evidence, in writing, should be provided to school officials to support a parent’s requests. If a parent’s complaints appear to be valid, then school officials should advise the parent to obtain a court Order specifically outlining what the other parent’s restrictions at the child’s school are. If the parent’s concerns are valid, then that parent will have no problem in obtaining a court Order in a reasonable period of time. Refuse to become a collaborator to child abuse by not being a part of a parent’s campaign to abuse the child and/or the other parent unless the parent can provide you with evidence, in writing, to support their allegations.
g. Studies show that the involvement of non-custodial parents in their child’s education can have a positive impact on the child’s learning experience at the school so parental involvement at school should be encouraged whenever possible. The best interest of the child must take president over the wishes of a hostile-aggressive parent who in most cases want to keep the other parent from involving themselves with the child’s school.
h. At the first sign of conflict between parents, insist that the parties use a neutral third party for communication. Insist that parents not involve teachers or daycare providers in their personal issues and instead have parents use a neutral third party appointed to deal with issues between parents. The third party can then communicate with school or daycare facility regarding any issues which may affect workers with these agencies. Should a parent not be willing to have a third party get involved then suspect that parent’s motives. HAP parents generally want to have full control of the situation and generally do not want neutral third parties helping in the conflict.
i. Have those working with the children maintain proper records and logs whenever hostileaggressive parenting is observed or if the child exhibits signs that could indicate abuse. Such signs may be the child’s sadness about not seeing one parent or about reporting abuse by a hostile parent. Remember, Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is child abuse and will likely affect the child in some manner at school.
j. Be ready and willing to report Hostile-Aggressive Parenting and to provide reliable testimony to the court if be requested by the parents. Exposing HAP parents and supporting children who are victims of the actions of HAP parents is one of the best ways to control and eliminate this serious form of child abuse.
Quite often, HAP parents (usually custodial) will attempt to drag the school into the conflict and will attempt to mislead school officials to take sides against the other parent, often against the wishes and preferences of the child. By large, the most common problem that school officials face is the situation where the custodial HAP parent will attempt to have school officials restrict the other parent’s access to the chid while the child is at school. The custodial parent will advise school officials (usually the principal or the child’s teacher) and advise principal and/or staff that they are the custodial parent and that the other parent cannot contact the child except during the other parent’s access time.
The most common things that an HAP parent may do to involve school officials in their campaign against the other parent are:
1) Advise school staff of the other parent’s court Ordered access times and attempt to mislead school officials into believing that the court Order is to be interpreted as meaning that the other parent cannot see or be with the child at any other time than the times scheduled in the court Order.
2) Advise school staff that the other parent is not allowed to take the child out to lunch or to be at the school at times which are not specified on the court Order.
3) Tell staff that if the other parent shows up to school that the custodial parent should be notified immediately.
4) Tell staff that the other parent should not be allowed to participate in school activities with the child such as helping the teacher or attending school outings, etc.
Unfortunately, school officials are to often misled by HAP parents and end up causing harm to the child by becoming active participants of the HAP parent’s campaign to exercise power and control over the non-custodial parent.
At any time, should a parent request school officials to take an action that would appear to unfairly advantage one parent or contradict a child’s reasonable wishes and preferences, the school should become highly suspicious of this parent’s request as chances are it is not in the best interest of the
child. Children affected by HAP should perceive the school as a safe haven for them where they are free from parents harassing or intimidating them while on school property. If a child indicates that they do not feel comfortable with a particular parent coming to the school and there would appear to
be reasonable reason for this, then school officials should respect the child’s wishes by keeping that parent from coming on school property.
Schools and day care facilities need to have appropriate policies regarding children who are being exposed to abuse by a HAP parent. Schools should also develop protocols when abuse by an HAP parent is suspected.
Some of the things that schools and child care agencies and their workers can do to help protect children are as follows:
a. Ensure that all workers working with children are educated about Hostile-Aggressive parenting and its solutions as part of their training.
b. Before accepting children into a child daycare facility, providers should ideally meet both parents before agreeing to provide day care services or at the very least provide both parents the equal opportunity to meet with providers. Make parents aware right up front that there will be no discrimination against either parent.
c. At all times, schools and day care facilities should provide both parents with the same level of service, courtesy and access to information unless a clear court Order indicates otherwise. Schools especially, should be wary of discriminating against parents as this may violate constitutional laws and result in an expensive and messy lawsuit. Schools and daycare facilities must send a clear message to those children affected by separation and divorce that schools and daycare facilities are a safe place for children and that Hostile-Aggressive Parenting behaviour will not be tolerated.
d. School officials should be willing to speak to the child and to be aware of the child’s wishes and preferences if requested to do so. Quite often, children will report abuse to teachers they trust before they will report it to strangers such as child welfare protection workers. Again, school officials must make themselves aware of the possibility of parental coaching of young children and know how to question children appropriately. In all instances
children must be interviewed outside the presence of either of the parents either inside or even outside of the room. Children who have not been coached by a parent should be able to clearly articulate their wishes and preferences and provide clear reasons to support their wishes.
e. Never interfere with one parent’s access to services based on the request of only one parent. Should one parent try to interfere with the child’s relationship with another parent or with one parent’s relationship with the school or day care facility or any worker, then insist that the parent present a court order requires the school or day care facility to comply with these demands or at the very least, provide reasonable third party information, in writing, to support the parent’s claims. Claims by HAP parents often begin to fall apart when they are asked for credible evidence to support their claims.
f. In all cases where parents are requesting school officials to take some form of action which
they claim is to protect the child, then some sort of evidence, in writing, should be provided to school officials to support a parent’s requests. If a parent’s complaints appear to be valid, then school officials should advise the parent to obtain a court Order specifically outlining what the other parent’s restrictions at the child’s school are. If the parent’s concerns are valid, then that parent will have no problem in obtaining a court Order in a reasonable period of time. Refuse to become a collaborator to child abuse by not being a part of a parent’s campaign to abuse the child and/or the other parent unless the parent can provide you with evidence, in writing, to support their allegations.
g. Studies show that the involvement of non-custodial parents in their child’s education can have a positive impact on the child’s learning experience at the school so parental involvement at school should be encouraged whenever possible. The best interest of the child must take president over the wishes of a hostile-aggressive parent who in most cases want to keep the other parent from involving themselves with the child’s school.
h. At the first sign of conflict between parents, insist that the parties use a neutral third party for communication. Insist that parents not involve teachers or daycare providers in their personal issues and instead have parents use a neutral third party appointed to deal with issues between parents. The third party can then communicate with school or daycare facility regarding any issues which may affect workers with these agencies. Should a parent not be willing to have a third party get involved then suspect that parent’s motives. HAP parents generally want to have full control of the situation and generally do not want neutral third parties helping in the conflict.
i. Have those working with the children maintain proper records and logs whenever hostileaggressive parenting is observed or if the child exhibits signs that could indicate abuse. Such signs may be the child’s sadness about not seeing one parent or about reporting abuse by a hostile parent. Remember, Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is child abuse and will likely affect the child in some manner at school.
j. Be ready and willing to report Hostile-Aggressive Parenting and to provide reliable testimony to the court if be requested by the parents. Exposing HAP parents and supporting children who are victims of the actions of HAP parents is one of the best ways to control and eliminate this serious form of child abuse.