While there are exceptions to every rule, the following can be useful as a guideline to some of the identifying behaviours exhibited by parents in the severe category:
1) Use excessive physical discipline on their children. A significant number of HAP parents will use excessive physical discipline bordering assault when disciplining their children. Some children have reported being slapped, pushed around and roughly handled.
2) Openly violate court orders and agreements, especially in relation to parenting time. HAP parents will ignore or challenge the authority of almost any court when it comes to parenting time – if they believe that they can get away with it. Hostile-Aggressive parents will constantly look at ways in which to deprive the other parent/guardian of time with the children and will challenge the resolve of the court to correct it. This is most commonly referred to as “access denial.”
3) Tell the child that the other parent is not their biological parent. An HAP parent will sometimes resort to telling a child that the other parent is not their biological parent. Sometimes this may even be true. However, the HAP parent will cause further emotional abuse to the child by disclosing this to the child at the time of separation in order to make the child believe that they really do not belong to the other parent and that the other parent cannot love them as much because the other parent is not a real parent. Often this strategy is used by a parent when they are trying to invoke parental alienation into the child.
4) Continue to exhibit anger towards the other parent, months or even years after the original separation of the couple. Hostile-aggressive parents in the “severe” category may literally exhibit their hate and anger towards the other parent for the rest of their life. Seldom can they ever think or talk about their former partners without evoking negative emotions. They will create communication difficulties for years.
5) Force their children to use prescription drugs. Many HAP parents will take their children to doctors and have drugs such as Ritalin prescribed for their child in order to subdue the will of the child. HAP parents will not disclose their abuse of the child to the doctor but make the doctor believe that the child has ADHD. Many HAP parents will ignore the severe and dangerous long term side effects of drugs such as Ritalin just so that they can have control over the child and mask the child’s behaviour problems which are often caused by the HAP parent.
6) Forge court documents. Some HAP parents have been known to have their lawyers or other parties tamper with court documents and in some cases even forge a judge’s signature to fabricate a false court Order.
7) Fabricate false sexual or physical abuse allegations against the other parent involving the children. HAP parents in the severe category will often go so far as to make false sexual or physical abuse allegations which can devastate the other parent. Often HAP parents will claim that the child is “afraid” of the other parent. HAP parents will call police and child welfare protection officials with their fabricated stories, knowing that an investigation often will result in the other parent losing contact with the child for extended periods of time until an investigation is complete.
8) Arrange to have anonymous allegations of abuse made to police and child welfare protection agencies. Sometimes Hostile-Aggressive Parents will make anonymous phone complaints to agencies in an effort to get the agencies to begin an investigation involving the child and the other parent. The HAP parent wants to create as many problems to the other parent or family as possible.
9) Force their child to see the other parent under supervised access when there really is no need for supervision. Some HAP parents will use every dirty trick in the book, especially false allegations to force their child to have to visit with the other parent in a very restricted supervised setting. Some HAP parents will even try to force children over the age of eight to visit with their other parent in a supervised facility. The HAP parent uses the supervised access as a form of punishment to the other parent and also as a way to get the child to not want to go to the supervised access center as most of the supervised facilities are very boring for children above the age of eight.
10) Expose their child to sexual activities with a new boyfriend or girlfriend or engage in promiscuous activities in the presence of the child. Some HAP parents may be so careless in their sexual activities with new partners that the child may see them with their partners in bed or hear them engage in sexual activities where the child is aware of what is going on.
11) Attempt to have biased relatives appointed for supervised access visits. Some HAP parents will attempt to get one parent into supervised access but with the condition that access to the child be at the home or in the presence of one of their own close family relatives. While this may sound reasonable to have a family member supervise the child, in reality what the HAP parent often plans to do is to get the relatives to support the HAP parent’s allegations that the child does not want to see the other child. HAP parents should never have the authority to appoint or screen persons who fill the role of a supervisor.
12) Create interference at the other parent’s place of employment or volunteer position in the community. To satisfy their need of revenge and thirst of power and control over the other parent, the HAP parent will employ a number of tactics to adversely affect the other parent in his/her. This may include such things as trying to get the other parent kicked out of volunteering at their children’s school or at other functions in the community.
13) Not allow the child to be with or to communicate with the other parent on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and other special occasions. The HAP parent will ignore special days and discourage the child from showing respect for the other parent. Some children may actually wish to communicate with their other parent but are afraid to mention this to their HAP parent who most likely is the custodial parent.
14) Impose on the other parent’s access time with the children. The HAP parent will sometime show up at activities where the non-custodial parent may have taken the child during their time with the child. The HAP parent and then come over and speak to the child while they are supposed to be spending time with the other parent. Some HAP parents may be so overbearing and controlling as to impose on the other parent’s time with the child, even when the other parent may be subjected to supervised access with the child. Although there may be times, such as school concerts, when contact between parents may be unavoidable, HAP parents usually go out of their way to have contact with the child, not the other parent.
15) Threaten or intimidate third parties who try to assist the family or who may have witnessed the parent’s Hostile-Aggressive Parenting. The HAP parent will use intimidation tactics and veiled threats to ward off the involvement of outside third parties who may wish to offer help to the child. In some cases HAP parents may even threaten third parties with legal action or police action should they get involved in the family’s matters. HAP parents want to get rid of any party who may be trying to advocate for the children by bringing valuable information regarding abuse of the children by the HAP parent out into the open.
16) Allege that the non-custodial parent is responsible for the children’s behaviour and emotional problems when the children are with the custodial parent. Often children under the control of a custodial HAP parent will exhibit serious behaviour problems. They may fight with the HAP parent continuously. The HAP parent will then allege that these behaviours are as a result of the non-custodial parent’s actions and allege that the non-custodial parent is brainwashing the children. HAP parents will attempt to defect any blame on to others in order to hide their HAP behaviours.
17) Relocate the child’s place of residency further away from the other parent, family and friends for the purpose of tightening control on the child and eliminating the other parent from regular involvement. In some cases, HAP parents will move away to another community using excuses such as work reasons or wanting to be with family to justify their move. However, in many cases, the main purpose of the move was to make it more difficult on the other parent to see the child.
18) Instruct the child’s school not to provide information or report cards to the other parent and/or attempt to keep the other parent from attending school activities or events. Although major research studies have shown that involvement of parents at the child’s school, especially non custodial parents, can be beneficial to the child’s performance at school, HAP parents will use every trick they can to keep the other parent out of their child’s school life. Most commonly, HAP parents will call school officials and tell them that the other parent is not allowed to see the child at any time while the child is at school.
19) Change their child’s surname. Changing a child’s surname is something done almost exclusively by mothers. HAP parents will sometimes change their child’s name purposely to insult to the other parent or as a show their power over the other parent. HAP parents may change names on school records and other documents, often without following proper legal change of name procedures. Maiden names are often used and in some cases mothers will even change the last name of their child to be the same as their most recent common law spouse. Surnames become a flavour of the day with HAP parents and change as often as they change partners.
20) Get the child to call the other parent by their first name In many cases, HAP parents want to humiliate their former spouse and will pressure their child to call the other parent by his/her first name. Quite often while the HAP parent pressures the child to call the other parent by his/her first name, the HAP parent will insist that the child refer to their new partner as “mommy” or “daddy.”
21) Reject registered mail to them from the other parent. Although most hostile-aggressive parents will try not to leave evidence of their behaviour, some in the serious category will even refuse to accept registered mail that may be sent to them regarding their separation, divorce or parenting arrangements.
22) Provide the school with false or misleading information about the other parent to keep the other parent and family uninvolved. For example, a hostile aggressive parent may provide the names and phone numbers of people to call should their be an emergency at school yet avoid mentioning the other parent or family members, even though they may be more able to provide assistance in the event of an emergency at school or daycare.
23) Commit acts of vandalism or carelessness against the property of other family members. Such acts could include damaging the other parent’s car or home. During cohabitation, this may include the scenario where the HAP parent throws the other parent’s personal possessions and clothes out on the front lawn or driveway, etc..
24) Have fits of intense anger/verbal abuse against the other parent in front of the child and/or other third parties. These outbursts by the HAP parent often cause fear and anxiety in the child. These types of outbreaks are an indicator of emotional instability.
25) Threaten the other parent with physically hurting the child if the other parent does not give in to their demands. Some HAP parents have been known to threaten physical harm and even death of the child as a means of getting the other parent to do what they want. Sadly, some children end up being murdered by HAP parents as a final act of revenge.
26) May attempt to extort money for additional time with the child. Some HAP parents will tell the other parent they can see the child but only if they pay them more money for the privilege. Sometimes the HAP parent can be more subtle by telling the other parent to buy clothes or to pay for other expenses, even when the parent may already be paying child support for the child.
27) Continue to physically or emotionally abuse their child even after the abuse has been brought to their attention by third party professionals. HAP parents in the severe category will often outright refuse to follow the recommendations and advice of mediators, doctors and outside third party professionals even after hostile parenting behaviours have been brought to the attention of the HAP parent. HAP parents will continue their campaign of terror no matter what others have to say to them. Often, HAP parents will not even listen to the advise of their own lawyer regarding the parenting of the child.
28) Offer money or bribes to outside third parties to bear false witness or to assist in making false allegations of child abuse against the other parent. Some HAP parents may be so bold as to involve others in the malicious use of false allegations against another parent.
29) Make false allegations of harassment or stalking against third parties who are trying to help the family. HAP parents will often allege that the other parent is harassing them by having third parties call them in an attempt to assist the family resolve its problems. The HAP parent will attempt to put these third parties in an unfavourable light with the court in an attempt to convince the court to discourage input from these outside third parties who are trying to help. The HAP parent will do almost anything to get rid of any third party who is trying to assist the family.
30) Will seek out lawyers in their community with a known reputation of not caring about children or families. HAP parents may fire and hire several lawyers as they attempt to find the most unscrupulous lawyer in the community.
31) Have their lawyer attempt to intimidate staff at the child’s school. Unethical lawyers working for HAP parents may attempt to intimidate third parties at the school by telephoning them or writing to them in an attempt to intimidate them. Lawyers have been known to call school officials in an attempt to solicit information favourable to their client which is often done in a manner to distort the truth. Some lawyers will lead school officials to believe that they must restrict access to one parent and that the school must do as the HAP parent tells them to.
32) Avoid acknowledging their own child should the HAP parent accidentally meet the child and the other parent together in public. HAP parents will often turn and walk away in another direction in a store or shopping mall should they accidentally meet their child with the other parent. The HAP parent’s anger is so strong that it blocks their ability to even act civilly in public.
33) Will refuse the opportunity of parenting time with their child. Some HAP parents will often turn away the opportunity to be with their child for their own self gratifying reasons. Sometimes the HAP parent will turn their own child’s request to spend time with time as a form of punishment or rejection as a result of the child wishing to maintain a relationship with the other parent. Often, a child who has gone to live with his/her other, lesser or non hostile parent out of choice is rejected by his/her HAP parent and given various excuses why the child cannot spend time with the HAP parent during a particular parenting period.
34) Refuse to speak to other children of the relationship who has not sided with them. HAP parents will often divide siblings by turning away from any of their own children who do not side with them in their campaign of aggression against the other parent. For example, the HAP parent may not return phone calls from other children in the family or refuse to invite the other children to attend activities or events that they have invited the other “favoured” children to attend.
35) Self-inflict physical injuries. Some HAP parents may inflict injuries upon themselves, usually bruises and scratches, and then report this to doctors and police in an attempt to falsely accuse the other parent. Usually there are no witnesses to the incident when the physical injury was claimed to have occurred although the HAP parent will claim that this harm occurred during some time when a minor conflict, possibly verbal, occurred.
36) Totally severe any relationship between the child and other step parents and extended step parent family. HAP parents in the severe category generally desire to destroy any positive relationship that their own child may have developed with step parents or step siblings. The HAP parent takes the position that once the relationship is over between the parents, then the relationship that any child may have with the other parent or family is also ended.
37) Obsessively restrict the child’s access to a telephone. Some HAP parents may restrict all access to a phone in their home by their child in order to prevent the child from communicating with the other parent. Some HAP parents may change their phone service to a cellular service which they keep with them at all times. Some children are not even allowed to know their phone numbers at home, thus preventing phone contact by the child’s friends.
38) May coach their children from previous relationships to bad mouth their most recent partner and involve the children in their hate campaign of the target parent. This is very damaging to the child, as the child is being taught to hate another person for no reason whatsoever.
39) Exercise total control over children’s access to phone by the use of cellular phone for the home. Some HAP parents may totally control the use of the phone lines with children but using a cellular based phone line and not having any home based phone line. In this way, the HAP parent can have total control over the phone. A child in this environment has no way of using the phone in the home without the HAP parent knowing when they use the phone. A cellular based phone gives the HAP parent total control over incoming and outgoing calls to the child.
40) Engage in tape recording of the child’s telephone calls and involve others in this sometimes illegal and harmful practice. Some HAP parents will tape all their children’s telephone calls between the other parent. Although this may be warranted out of fear of inappropriate dialogue for limited amounts of time, generally HAP parents will tape record conversations over many months and even years. HAP parents will also get other family members, such as grandparents, involved in illegally tape recording conversations between the child and parent. Under more appropriate conditions, a parent with a concern about inappropriate conversations should deal with the problem in an open manner with the other parent and child, but not continue to covertly record conversations over an extended period of time.
41) May threaten and/or intimidate their child. The HAP parent may threaten or intimidate a child by telling them things to make them scared or sad such as destroying a pet or refusing to give the child something that the parent had previously promised to give to the child.
42) Use underhanded tactics to force the child to recant previous statements. Some HAP parents may intimidate or threaten the child and force them to go back on previous statements that they may have made to social workers or police. Forcing children to lie can result in tremendous emotional harm..
43) Interrogate their child after a visit with the other parent. Some HAP parents will literally interrogate their child immediately or shortly after the visit with the other parent, sometimes to the point of making their child cry into depression. Some HAP parents are literally obsessed with knowing about everything that goes on and what is said with the intent of finding something that they can use against the other parent. Some HAP parents are fearful of what the child may be saying to the other parent.
44) Make the child write a mean spirited letter to the other parent intended to hurt the other parent or to extort something from them. Such letters may include the child telling his/her non-custodial parent that he/she does not want to see them or that they want more money from the non-custodial parent. Some HAP parents will go so far as to get their children to write hurtful letters to the other parent. Often these HAP parents will dictate to the child what they want the child to write in their letters. Some parents are so disturbed in their parenting as to write the letter and to forge the child’s signature on the letter. Quite often, it is the language that gives away the HAP parents as the words used in such letters are often years ahead of the child’s vocabulary for his/her age and maturity.
45) Tell the child to remain silent about incidences where the child has been abused or where the child has witnessed abuse in the home. Often HAP parents will threaten or intimidate their child to lie and remain silent about things that may cast the HAP parent into a negative light and get the child to be part of the HAP parent’s pattern of lies and deceptions. This is emotionally harmful for the child and sets a very bad role model for the child in that it teaches children that it is normal and OK to lie and to hide the truth.
46) Allow their own child to be exposed to highly negative influences. Some HAP parents will allow their child to be exposed to negative influences such as drug and alcohol abuse, smoking, sex, pornography or weapons while the child is under their care and control. The HAP parent will exercise minimal supervision over the child and in many cases let their teenage child do whatever they want. It has been reported that some HAP parents have permitted their teenage children to keep hand guns in the home just because the children wanted them. This is often used to help invoke parental alienation in teenage children. The HAP parent will often go so far as to destroy the future of their own child, just for the sake of turning the child against the other parent. Unfortunately, because of the freedom granted to them by their HAP parents, many of these children end up making the wrong choices in life and ultimately find themselves in trouble with the law
47) Will disrupt their child’s relationship with other children associated with the other parent. Some HAP parents will interfere and try to break off their child’s contact with other children who may be associated with the other parent. The HAP parent wants to cut the child off with having anything to do with the other parent’s home, including having friendships when with the other parent. To erode the child’s relationships with other children, the HAP parent, will refuse to take calls from the other children or tell other children when they call that the child is not available. Over a period of time the other children, just stop calling.
48) Encourage their child to participate in criminal activities. Some HAP parents have been known to involve their child criminal activities such as shoplifting or stealing. A HAP parent will turn a blind eye should they see things brought back to the house that were likely obtained by illegal methods. Often the HAP parent is afraid to say anything as they know that the only thing that keeps the child loyal to them is the fact that the child has total freedom while at the home of the HAP parent.
49) Intercept mail intended for the child. Some HAP parents will break the law and intercept letters for the child or letters that the child may be sending out. HAP parents will sometimes open and read letters that have arrived for the child and sometimes destroy letters from the other parent.
50) Intercept or destroy E mail messages intended for the child. Some HAP parents will find out their child’s password for their e mail account and intercept the child’s messages from the other parent or from other family members. Often the child will not even be aware that mail from other parties is not being received as the HAP parent may erase the messages that they do not want the child to see.
51) Unilaterally withdraw money and close down bank accounts which were intended for the child. Some HAP parents will withdraw money that was in a joint bank account intended for the child. They do this in order to take control of the money and to exercise their control over the other parent. Although in some cases these parents may actually take the money and redeposit the money into another account for the child, the actions of the HAP parent is often intended to anger the other parent and to show the other parent that the HAP parent has more influence over the child’s life than the other parent.
52) Will attempt to cast the other parent in a bad light to the court by reporting in court documents the other parent’s lawful activities to protest the court system. Some HAP parents will include material about the other parent’s activities involving protest with any group or organization which is involved in peaceful changes to the court system. Pictures of the other parent at a peaceful rally or slogans used on signs may be used in the court documents. Peaceful protest is the right of people, yet the HAP parent will try to use a person’s right to peaceful protect against them and often with the purpose to interfere with the parent’s relationship with the child.
53) Attempt to have their child placed in the care of a child welfare protection agency even when the other parent may be willing to care for the child. Some HAP parents are unable to handle the problems that they have with their child as he/she rebels against them. Sometimes HAP parents will call child welfare protection agencies and ask them to take the child into care of the government while at the same time fighting every attempt to allow the child to be placed in the care of the other parent. Often it is a case of “if I can’t have the child then you can’t either”
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services
1) Use excessive physical discipline on their children. A significant number of HAP parents will use excessive physical discipline bordering assault when disciplining their children. Some children have reported being slapped, pushed around and roughly handled.
2) Openly violate court orders and agreements, especially in relation to parenting time. HAP parents will ignore or challenge the authority of almost any court when it comes to parenting time – if they believe that they can get away with it. Hostile-Aggressive parents will constantly look at ways in which to deprive the other parent/guardian of time with the children and will challenge the resolve of the court to correct it. This is most commonly referred to as “access denial.”
3) Tell the child that the other parent is not their biological parent. An HAP parent will sometimes resort to telling a child that the other parent is not their biological parent. Sometimes this may even be true. However, the HAP parent will cause further emotional abuse to the child by disclosing this to the child at the time of separation in order to make the child believe that they really do not belong to the other parent and that the other parent cannot love them as much because the other parent is not a real parent. Often this strategy is used by a parent when they are trying to invoke parental alienation into the child.
4) Continue to exhibit anger towards the other parent, months or even years after the original separation of the couple. Hostile-aggressive parents in the “severe” category may literally exhibit their hate and anger towards the other parent for the rest of their life. Seldom can they ever think or talk about their former partners without evoking negative emotions. They will create communication difficulties for years.
5) Force their children to use prescription drugs. Many HAP parents will take their children to doctors and have drugs such as Ritalin prescribed for their child in order to subdue the will of the child. HAP parents will not disclose their abuse of the child to the doctor but make the doctor believe that the child has ADHD. Many HAP parents will ignore the severe and dangerous long term side effects of drugs such as Ritalin just so that they can have control over the child and mask the child’s behaviour problems which are often caused by the HAP parent.
6) Forge court documents. Some HAP parents have been known to have their lawyers or other parties tamper with court documents and in some cases even forge a judge’s signature to fabricate a false court Order.
7) Fabricate false sexual or physical abuse allegations against the other parent involving the children. HAP parents in the severe category will often go so far as to make false sexual or physical abuse allegations which can devastate the other parent. Often HAP parents will claim that the child is “afraid” of the other parent. HAP parents will call police and child welfare protection officials with their fabricated stories, knowing that an investigation often will result in the other parent losing contact with the child for extended periods of time until an investigation is complete.
8) Arrange to have anonymous allegations of abuse made to police and child welfare protection agencies. Sometimes Hostile-Aggressive Parents will make anonymous phone complaints to agencies in an effort to get the agencies to begin an investigation involving the child and the other parent. The HAP parent wants to create as many problems to the other parent or family as possible.
9) Force their child to see the other parent under supervised access when there really is no need for supervision. Some HAP parents will use every dirty trick in the book, especially false allegations to force their child to have to visit with the other parent in a very restricted supervised setting. Some HAP parents will even try to force children over the age of eight to visit with their other parent in a supervised facility. The HAP parent uses the supervised access as a form of punishment to the other parent and also as a way to get the child to not want to go to the supervised access center as most of the supervised facilities are very boring for children above the age of eight.
10) Expose their child to sexual activities with a new boyfriend or girlfriend or engage in promiscuous activities in the presence of the child. Some HAP parents may be so careless in their sexual activities with new partners that the child may see them with their partners in bed or hear them engage in sexual activities where the child is aware of what is going on.
11) Attempt to have biased relatives appointed for supervised access visits. Some HAP parents will attempt to get one parent into supervised access but with the condition that access to the child be at the home or in the presence of one of their own close family relatives. While this may sound reasonable to have a family member supervise the child, in reality what the HAP parent often plans to do is to get the relatives to support the HAP parent’s allegations that the child does not want to see the other child. HAP parents should never have the authority to appoint or screen persons who fill the role of a supervisor.
12) Create interference at the other parent’s place of employment or volunteer position in the community. To satisfy their need of revenge and thirst of power and control over the other parent, the HAP parent will employ a number of tactics to adversely affect the other parent in his/her. This may include such things as trying to get the other parent kicked out of volunteering at their children’s school or at other functions in the community.
13) Not allow the child to be with or to communicate with the other parent on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and other special occasions. The HAP parent will ignore special days and discourage the child from showing respect for the other parent. Some children may actually wish to communicate with their other parent but are afraid to mention this to their HAP parent who most likely is the custodial parent.
14) Impose on the other parent’s access time with the children. The HAP parent will sometime show up at activities where the non-custodial parent may have taken the child during their time with the child. The HAP parent and then come over and speak to the child while they are supposed to be spending time with the other parent. Some HAP parents may be so overbearing and controlling as to impose on the other parent’s time with the child, even when the other parent may be subjected to supervised access with the child. Although there may be times, such as school concerts, when contact between parents may be unavoidable, HAP parents usually go out of their way to have contact with the child, not the other parent.
15) Threaten or intimidate third parties who try to assist the family or who may have witnessed the parent’s Hostile-Aggressive Parenting. The HAP parent will use intimidation tactics and veiled threats to ward off the involvement of outside third parties who may wish to offer help to the child. In some cases HAP parents may even threaten third parties with legal action or police action should they get involved in the family’s matters. HAP parents want to get rid of any party who may be trying to advocate for the children by bringing valuable information regarding abuse of the children by the HAP parent out into the open.
16) Allege that the non-custodial parent is responsible for the children’s behaviour and emotional problems when the children are with the custodial parent. Often children under the control of a custodial HAP parent will exhibit serious behaviour problems. They may fight with the HAP parent continuously. The HAP parent will then allege that these behaviours are as a result of the non-custodial parent’s actions and allege that the non-custodial parent is brainwashing the children. HAP parents will attempt to defect any blame on to others in order to hide their HAP behaviours.
17) Relocate the child’s place of residency further away from the other parent, family and friends for the purpose of tightening control on the child and eliminating the other parent from regular involvement. In some cases, HAP parents will move away to another community using excuses such as work reasons or wanting to be with family to justify their move. However, in many cases, the main purpose of the move was to make it more difficult on the other parent to see the child.
18) Instruct the child’s school not to provide information or report cards to the other parent and/or attempt to keep the other parent from attending school activities or events. Although major research studies have shown that involvement of parents at the child’s school, especially non custodial parents, can be beneficial to the child’s performance at school, HAP parents will use every trick they can to keep the other parent out of their child’s school life. Most commonly, HAP parents will call school officials and tell them that the other parent is not allowed to see the child at any time while the child is at school.
19) Change their child’s surname. Changing a child’s surname is something done almost exclusively by mothers. HAP parents will sometimes change their child’s name purposely to insult to the other parent or as a show their power over the other parent. HAP parents may change names on school records and other documents, often without following proper legal change of name procedures. Maiden names are often used and in some cases mothers will even change the last name of their child to be the same as their most recent common law spouse. Surnames become a flavour of the day with HAP parents and change as often as they change partners.
20) Get the child to call the other parent by their first name In many cases, HAP parents want to humiliate their former spouse and will pressure their child to call the other parent by his/her first name. Quite often while the HAP parent pressures the child to call the other parent by his/her first name, the HAP parent will insist that the child refer to their new partner as “mommy” or “daddy.”
21) Reject registered mail to them from the other parent. Although most hostile-aggressive parents will try not to leave evidence of their behaviour, some in the serious category will even refuse to accept registered mail that may be sent to them regarding their separation, divorce or parenting arrangements.
22) Provide the school with false or misleading information about the other parent to keep the other parent and family uninvolved. For example, a hostile aggressive parent may provide the names and phone numbers of people to call should their be an emergency at school yet avoid mentioning the other parent or family members, even though they may be more able to provide assistance in the event of an emergency at school or daycare.
23) Commit acts of vandalism or carelessness against the property of other family members. Such acts could include damaging the other parent’s car or home. During cohabitation, this may include the scenario where the HAP parent throws the other parent’s personal possessions and clothes out on the front lawn or driveway, etc..
24) Have fits of intense anger/verbal abuse against the other parent in front of the child and/or other third parties. These outbursts by the HAP parent often cause fear and anxiety in the child. These types of outbreaks are an indicator of emotional instability.
25) Threaten the other parent with physically hurting the child if the other parent does not give in to their demands. Some HAP parents have been known to threaten physical harm and even death of the child as a means of getting the other parent to do what they want. Sadly, some children end up being murdered by HAP parents as a final act of revenge.
26) May attempt to extort money for additional time with the child. Some HAP parents will tell the other parent they can see the child but only if they pay them more money for the privilege. Sometimes the HAP parent can be more subtle by telling the other parent to buy clothes or to pay for other expenses, even when the parent may already be paying child support for the child.
27) Continue to physically or emotionally abuse their child even after the abuse has been brought to their attention by third party professionals. HAP parents in the severe category will often outright refuse to follow the recommendations and advice of mediators, doctors and outside third party professionals even after hostile parenting behaviours have been brought to the attention of the HAP parent. HAP parents will continue their campaign of terror no matter what others have to say to them. Often, HAP parents will not even listen to the advise of their own lawyer regarding the parenting of the child.
28) Offer money or bribes to outside third parties to bear false witness or to assist in making false allegations of child abuse against the other parent. Some HAP parents may be so bold as to involve others in the malicious use of false allegations against another parent.
29) Make false allegations of harassment or stalking against third parties who are trying to help the family. HAP parents will often allege that the other parent is harassing them by having third parties call them in an attempt to assist the family resolve its problems. The HAP parent will attempt to put these third parties in an unfavourable light with the court in an attempt to convince the court to discourage input from these outside third parties who are trying to help. The HAP parent will do almost anything to get rid of any third party who is trying to assist the family.
30) Will seek out lawyers in their community with a known reputation of not caring about children or families. HAP parents may fire and hire several lawyers as they attempt to find the most unscrupulous lawyer in the community.
31) Have their lawyer attempt to intimidate staff at the child’s school. Unethical lawyers working for HAP parents may attempt to intimidate third parties at the school by telephoning them or writing to them in an attempt to intimidate them. Lawyers have been known to call school officials in an attempt to solicit information favourable to their client which is often done in a manner to distort the truth. Some lawyers will lead school officials to believe that they must restrict access to one parent and that the school must do as the HAP parent tells them to.
32) Avoid acknowledging their own child should the HAP parent accidentally meet the child and the other parent together in public. HAP parents will often turn and walk away in another direction in a store or shopping mall should they accidentally meet their child with the other parent. The HAP parent’s anger is so strong that it blocks their ability to even act civilly in public.
33) Will refuse the opportunity of parenting time with their child. Some HAP parents will often turn away the opportunity to be with their child for their own self gratifying reasons. Sometimes the HAP parent will turn their own child’s request to spend time with time as a form of punishment or rejection as a result of the child wishing to maintain a relationship with the other parent. Often, a child who has gone to live with his/her other, lesser or non hostile parent out of choice is rejected by his/her HAP parent and given various excuses why the child cannot spend time with the HAP parent during a particular parenting period.
34) Refuse to speak to other children of the relationship who has not sided with them. HAP parents will often divide siblings by turning away from any of their own children who do not side with them in their campaign of aggression against the other parent. For example, the HAP parent may not return phone calls from other children in the family or refuse to invite the other children to attend activities or events that they have invited the other “favoured” children to attend.
35) Self-inflict physical injuries. Some HAP parents may inflict injuries upon themselves, usually bruises and scratches, and then report this to doctors and police in an attempt to falsely accuse the other parent. Usually there are no witnesses to the incident when the physical injury was claimed to have occurred although the HAP parent will claim that this harm occurred during some time when a minor conflict, possibly verbal, occurred.
36) Totally severe any relationship between the child and other step parents and extended step parent family. HAP parents in the severe category generally desire to destroy any positive relationship that their own child may have developed with step parents or step siblings. The HAP parent takes the position that once the relationship is over between the parents, then the relationship that any child may have with the other parent or family is also ended.
37) Obsessively restrict the child’s access to a telephone. Some HAP parents may restrict all access to a phone in their home by their child in order to prevent the child from communicating with the other parent. Some HAP parents may change their phone service to a cellular service which they keep with them at all times. Some children are not even allowed to know their phone numbers at home, thus preventing phone contact by the child’s friends.
38) May coach their children from previous relationships to bad mouth their most recent partner and involve the children in their hate campaign of the target parent. This is very damaging to the child, as the child is being taught to hate another person for no reason whatsoever.
39) Exercise total control over children’s access to phone by the use of cellular phone for the home. Some HAP parents may totally control the use of the phone lines with children but using a cellular based phone line and not having any home based phone line. In this way, the HAP parent can have total control over the phone. A child in this environment has no way of using the phone in the home without the HAP parent knowing when they use the phone. A cellular based phone gives the HAP parent total control over incoming and outgoing calls to the child.
40) Engage in tape recording of the child’s telephone calls and involve others in this sometimes illegal and harmful practice. Some HAP parents will tape all their children’s telephone calls between the other parent. Although this may be warranted out of fear of inappropriate dialogue for limited amounts of time, generally HAP parents will tape record conversations over many months and even years. HAP parents will also get other family members, such as grandparents, involved in illegally tape recording conversations between the child and parent. Under more appropriate conditions, a parent with a concern about inappropriate conversations should deal with the problem in an open manner with the other parent and child, but not continue to covertly record conversations over an extended period of time.
41) May threaten and/or intimidate their child. The HAP parent may threaten or intimidate a child by telling them things to make them scared or sad such as destroying a pet or refusing to give the child something that the parent had previously promised to give to the child.
42) Use underhanded tactics to force the child to recant previous statements. Some HAP parents may intimidate or threaten the child and force them to go back on previous statements that they may have made to social workers or police. Forcing children to lie can result in tremendous emotional harm..
43) Interrogate their child after a visit with the other parent. Some HAP parents will literally interrogate their child immediately or shortly after the visit with the other parent, sometimes to the point of making their child cry into depression. Some HAP parents are literally obsessed with knowing about everything that goes on and what is said with the intent of finding something that they can use against the other parent. Some HAP parents are fearful of what the child may be saying to the other parent.
44) Make the child write a mean spirited letter to the other parent intended to hurt the other parent or to extort something from them. Such letters may include the child telling his/her non-custodial parent that he/she does not want to see them or that they want more money from the non-custodial parent. Some HAP parents will go so far as to get their children to write hurtful letters to the other parent. Often these HAP parents will dictate to the child what they want the child to write in their letters. Some parents are so disturbed in their parenting as to write the letter and to forge the child’s signature on the letter. Quite often, it is the language that gives away the HAP parents as the words used in such letters are often years ahead of the child’s vocabulary for his/her age and maturity.
45) Tell the child to remain silent about incidences where the child has been abused or where the child has witnessed abuse in the home. Often HAP parents will threaten or intimidate their child to lie and remain silent about things that may cast the HAP parent into a negative light and get the child to be part of the HAP parent’s pattern of lies and deceptions. This is emotionally harmful for the child and sets a very bad role model for the child in that it teaches children that it is normal and OK to lie and to hide the truth.
46) Allow their own child to be exposed to highly negative influences. Some HAP parents will allow their child to be exposed to negative influences such as drug and alcohol abuse, smoking, sex, pornography or weapons while the child is under their care and control. The HAP parent will exercise minimal supervision over the child and in many cases let their teenage child do whatever they want. It has been reported that some HAP parents have permitted their teenage children to keep hand guns in the home just because the children wanted them. This is often used to help invoke parental alienation in teenage children. The HAP parent will often go so far as to destroy the future of their own child, just for the sake of turning the child against the other parent. Unfortunately, because of the freedom granted to them by their HAP parents, many of these children end up making the wrong choices in life and ultimately find themselves in trouble with the law
47) Will disrupt their child’s relationship with other children associated with the other parent. Some HAP parents will interfere and try to break off their child’s contact with other children who may be associated with the other parent. The HAP parent wants to cut the child off with having anything to do with the other parent’s home, including having friendships when with the other parent. To erode the child’s relationships with other children, the HAP parent, will refuse to take calls from the other children or tell other children when they call that the child is not available. Over a period of time the other children, just stop calling.
48) Encourage their child to participate in criminal activities. Some HAP parents have been known to involve their child criminal activities such as shoplifting or stealing. A HAP parent will turn a blind eye should they see things brought back to the house that were likely obtained by illegal methods. Often the HAP parent is afraid to say anything as they know that the only thing that keeps the child loyal to them is the fact that the child has total freedom while at the home of the HAP parent.
49) Intercept mail intended for the child. Some HAP parents will break the law and intercept letters for the child or letters that the child may be sending out. HAP parents will sometimes open and read letters that have arrived for the child and sometimes destroy letters from the other parent.
50) Intercept or destroy E mail messages intended for the child. Some HAP parents will find out their child’s password for their e mail account and intercept the child’s messages from the other parent or from other family members. Often the child will not even be aware that mail from other parties is not being received as the HAP parent may erase the messages that they do not want the child to see.
51) Unilaterally withdraw money and close down bank accounts which were intended for the child. Some HAP parents will withdraw money that was in a joint bank account intended for the child. They do this in order to take control of the money and to exercise their control over the other parent. Although in some cases these parents may actually take the money and redeposit the money into another account for the child, the actions of the HAP parent is often intended to anger the other parent and to show the other parent that the HAP parent has more influence over the child’s life than the other parent.
52) Will attempt to cast the other parent in a bad light to the court by reporting in court documents the other parent’s lawful activities to protest the court system. Some HAP parents will include material about the other parent’s activities involving protest with any group or organization which is involved in peaceful changes to the court system. Pictures of the other parent at a peaceful rally or slogans used on signs may be used in the court documents. Peaceful protest is the right of people, yet the HAP parent will try to use a person’s right to peaceful protect against them and often with the purpose to interfere with the parent’s relationship with the child.
53) Attempt to have their child placed in the care of a child welfare protection agency even when the other parent may be willing to care for the child. Some HAP parents are unable to handle the problems that they have with their child as he/she rebels against them. Sometimes HAP parents will call child welfare protection agencies and ask them to take the child into care of the government while at the same time fighting every attempt to allow the child to be placed in the care of the other parent. Often it is a case of “if I can’t have the child then you can’t either”
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services