Counseling or Mediation
There is a difference between counseling and mediation. Counseling helps individuals or families alleviate emotional pain or change maladaptive behavior. Counselors usually have a minimum of a master’s degree in counseling, social work, or psychology. In most states, they are licensed. A mediator is trained to work with couples teaching problem solving skills and resolving conflicts. Many mediators are not trained mental health professionals and have no training in family therapy or systems theory. Though their function is both helpful and beneficial, they are not equipped to work with high-conflict parents struggling with parental alienation or parental alienation syndrome.
Mediation
Mediation is a cooperative effort between divided parents and a neutral third person to develop healthy ways of settling differences about the care of their children. After a history of fighting and failing to solve differences, mediation may initially sound like a fantasy. In fact, however, mediation works. I think there will be a time in the future when all parents going through a divorce will be expected to have a family mediator to help resolve conflicts. The process makes sense, because going to court is too expensive, attorneys are biased for their client, and parents usually do not have the skills to resolve serious conflicts without some help. This is usually why most parents got a divorce in the first place. Unfortunately, having a neutral professional is expensive, time-consuming, and unavailable within a reasonable physical proximity to many families. When it is available, however, mediation can accomplish a great deal in less time than family psychotherapy and more cheaply than going to court.
The neutral third party may be a counselor, attorney, or a psychologist who has received specialized training in mediation. When looking for a qualified mediator, parents need to ask the individual whether he or she is a member of either the Academy of Family Mediators or their state association. Parents should be leery of someone who puts out a shingle and calls him or herself a mediator without documented qualifications and references. Requirements for becoming a mediator vary from state to state. To play it safe, parents may want to rely on a mediator recommended by their local domestic court or attorney, and they should obtain a court order mandating mediation. The details of the order are important; attorneys would avoid a lot of confusion if the court order contained the following information and was signed by the judge.
The order should contain the name and address of the mediator as well as the names of all the family members ordered to mediation. This list could include the names of the stepparents, grandparents or anyone that is actively involved with the children. Though a family member’s name may be listed in the motion, the mediator or counselor will have the choice to decide who needs to attend the sessions. If a family member is not on the list, the mediator will have no authority to require the member’s participation. This can cause a delay while the attorneys seek to modify the original order.
The order should also state how the services are to be financed and who is responsible for payment. A court order cannot mandate an insurance company to pay for services not part of the insurance benefit package. Rarely will an insurance company pay for mediation even if the service is properly billed. Thus, the responsibility for payment should be assigned to a parent or parents and not an insurance company.
Finally, the order needs a description of the services to be provided and of the mechanism for reporting back to the court. This may include a letter by the mediator describing the services provided, naming the participants, and outlining recommendations. The mediator or counselor will be careful to respect the participant’s confidentiality. When a complete order gets the parties into mediation, the parents and the mediator seek agreements on how they can best take care of the children. The initial session generally begins with a discussion of the mediation process and an explanation by the parents of their concerns for the children’s schooling, social activities, health care, safety, visitation, and rules. The emphasis is on having the parents make decisions together that will benefit the children. The mediator will discourage the parents from making accusations or laying blame. Little emphasis is made onlooking at past mistakes. This is because parents usually do not agree on what happened in thepast anyway. At the completion of the first session, the parents and the mediator decide whetherto continue the mediation process. If they agree to continue, another session is scheduled.
In the following sessions, usually five or six, the parents share in a cooperative process of learning and making decisions. Together, they outline their points of agreement and then begin learning ways to work together to settle their differences. This is a give-and-take process in which the mediator may have to remind the parents about what is best for the children. The mediation usually concludes with a written agreement between the parents. The plan, which may be submitted to the court, includes only those points of agreement.
Mediators are bound by an ethical code assuring the parents confidentiality. What they report to the court is limited to the signed agreement between the parents. The mediator may ask the parents to agree not to repeat what is said in mediation to anyone else. However, confidentiality could be forfeited if the mediator has reason to believe that one parent may physically harm someone.
Using a mediator to help parents from divided homes to resolve differences is becoming increasingly popular. The reason for the popularity is that it works. Parents who participate in making decisions and feel their concerns are heard are more likely to comply with a mediated agreement than a court order. This encourages parents to work together, and this is good for the children. Research has proven repeatedly that children make a better adjustment to divorce when they know their parents communicate and work together for their best interests. However, some continue to think of mediation as a fad. For others, mediation is a viable alternative to returning to court every year or two to settle disputes. While the process is clearly not a panacea for all the ills that trouble divorced families and their children, for many it is an effective method of resolving disputes.
Counseling
There are some family or personal problems that mediation is not intended to solve. Someone who has a mental disorder, abuses drugs or is abusive to people will require a more intense therapeutic intervention with a counselor, social worker, psychologists or psychiatrist. Most mediators are not qualified to work with those who need help specifically with parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome. From my experience, the counselors most effective at working with high conflict issues have been trained in family systems therapy, have knowledge of the laws and court, and understand the workings of alienation. Our court in Trumbull County, Ohio has put together a pool of counselors to work with these families. To participate in the pool, counselors had to go through our training and agree to report compliance back to the court. This has been working very well.
Some attorneys suspect that clients may need counseling but are not sure when a referral is appropriate. Most people start counseling to get relief from psychological or emotional pain. While everyone has days when one feels depressed, on edge, or anxious, having these feelings does not mean a person needs therapy. Rather, therapy is helpful when a person does not bounce back or recover from psychological pain or persistent pain, and when poor coping skills interfere with daily functioning. A person has good reason for getting professional help when he or she is missing work, no longer enjoying pleasurable activities, drinking more, having trouble controlling anger, or withdrawing from friends and family.
Specifically, active alienators who are frequently triggered and expose the children to their anger may need therapy, since they usually have trouble separating ex-spousal issues from parental responsibilities. Obsessed alienators always need therapy, but they will often refuse to go and may be offended by a suggestion that help is necessary. Others who commonly need therapy are parents who spend too much time thinking about their divorce and having been betrayed by the system; parents who can’t help driving by the marital home hoping for a glimpse of the ex-spouse or children; and parents who often think about their next phone call to the ex-spouse or the children and cannot seem to stop him or herself from making the calls. Other warning signs include an increase in the use of alcohol and drugs or an increase in high-risk behavior such as drinking and driving, unprotected sex, stalking, and harassing phone calls.
Sometimes parents have the idea, often reinforced by mental health professionals, that people should seek professional help whenever they suffer a trauma or a major loss, because they can’t help but become emotionally scarred if the crisis isn’t somehow dealt with professionally. This thinking is not always true. For thousands of years, people have suffered crises without getting therapy. Most seemed to get along fine, stumbling along for a while but often becoming stronger for their experience. They continue to function quite well and make tremendous contributions. I sometimes think many mental health professionals are arrogant to think they are the only ones qualified to help someone through a crisis. This is not always true. When parents do need help, however, they may need to be remind by their attorney that there is no shame in doing so. What is shameful is recognizing there is a problem and doing nothing about it. Some parents also need the reassurance that counseling will not hurt their case.
If a parent decides help is necessary, he or she should schedule an appointment with a local psychologist, clinical social worker or family therapist. There are local organizations that sponsor workshops or groups for people adjusting to their divorce. Other good sources are the family court, friends who have had an experience similar to the parent’s, or local support or advocacy groups like Parents Without Partners, ACES or Fathers for Equal Rights.
When considering a therapist, a parent should not hesitate to interview the person to see if he or she is qualified. One should ask for therapists’ qualifications and fees even if some therapists may be put off. Many parents have asked for mine. Remember that a parent trusts the therapists with their own or their child’s well being, and their services are also expensive. A parent should ask them for other qualifications: How many times have they testified in domestic court?. How many years of experiences do they have working with families? Who is the psychiatrist with whom they are working in the event medication or a psychiatric evaluation may be needed? What are the fees? There are no rules or specific qualifications that will assure a parent of the clinicians qualifications. One must use one’s best judgment.
There should be chemistry between the parent seeking therapy and the therapist. Sometimes this takes a while to establish, as with any other close relationship, so parents should not give up too easily. To do a good job, the counselor may have to tell the parent some things they won’t want to hear at first. This is particularly true if the parent has been alienating their children. On the other hand, if the parent’s gut instinct is that the counselor is off target and consistently puts them down or makes them feel more depressed, the parent should trust his or her instincts and look for another therapist.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364
There is a difference between counseling and mediation. Counseling helps individuals or families alleviate emotional pain or change maladaptive behavior. Counselors usually have a minimum of a master’s degree in counseling, social work, or psychology. In most states, they are licensed. A mediator is trained to work with couples teaching problem solving skills and resolving conflicts. Many mediators are not trained mental health professionals and have no training in family therapy or systems theory. Though their function is both helpful and beneficial, they are not equipped to work with high-conflict parents struggling with parental alienation or parental alienation syndrome.
Mediation
Mediation is a cooperative effort between divided parents and a neutral third person to develop healthy ways of settling differences about the care of their children. After a history of fighting and failing to solve differences, mediation may initially sound like a fantasy. In fact, however, mediation works. I think there will be a time in the future when all parents going through a divorce will be expected to have a family mediator to help resolve conflicts. The process makes sense, because going to court is too expensive, attorneys are biased for their client, and parents usually do not have the skills to resolve serious conflicts without some help. This is usually why most parents got a divorce in the first place. Unfortunately, having a neutral professional is expensive, time-consuming, and unavailable within a reasonable physical proximity to many families. When it is available, however, mediation can accomplish a great deal in less time than family psychotherapy and more cheaply than going to court.
The neutral third party may be a counselor, attorney, or a psychologist who has received specialized training in mediation. When looking for a qualified mediator, parents need to ask the individual whether he or she is a member of either the Academy of Family Mediators or their state association. Parents should be leery of someone who puts out a shingle and calls him or herself a mediator without documented qualifications and references. Requirements for becoming a mediator vary from state to state. To play it safe, parents may want to rely on a mediator recommended by their local domestic court or attorney, and they should obtain a court order mandating mediation. The details of the order are important; attorneys would avoid a lot of confusion if the court order contained the following information and was signed by the judge.
The order should contain the name and address of the mediator as well as the names of all the family members ordered to mediation. This list could include the names of the stepparents, grandparents or anyone that is actively involved with the children. Though a family member’s name may be listed in the motion, the mediator or counselor will have the choice to decide who needs to attend the sessions. If a family member is not on the list, the mediator will have no authority to require the member’s participation. This can cause a delay while the attorneys seek to modify the original order.
The order should also state how the services are to be financed and who is responsible for payment. A court order cannot mandate an insurance company to pay for services not part of the insurance benefit package. Rarely will an insurance company pay for mediation even if the service is properly billed. Thus, the responsibility for payment should be assigned to a parent or parents and not an insurance company.
Finally, the order needs a description of the services to be provided and of the mechanism for reporting back to the court. This may include a letter by the mediator describing the services provided, naming the participants, and outlining recommendations. The mediator or counselor will be careful to respect the participant’s confidentiality. When a complete order gets the parties into mediation, the parents and the mediator seek agreements on how they can best take care of the children. The initial session generally begins with a discussion of the mediation process and an explanation by the parents of their concerns for the children’s schooling, social activities, health care, safety, visitation, and rules. The emphasis is on having the parents make decisions together that will benefit the children. The mediator will discourage the parents from making accusations or laying blame. Little emphasis is made onlooking at past mistakes. This is because parents usually do not agree on what happened in thepast anyway. At the completion of the first session, the parents and the mediator decide whetherto continue the mediation process. If they agree to continue, another session is scheduled.
In the following sessions, usually five or six, the parents share in a cooperative process of learning and making decisions. Together, they outline their points of agreement and then begin learning ways to work together to settle their differences. This is a give-and-take process in which the mediator may have to remind the parents about what is best for the children. The mediation usually concludes with a written agreement between the parents. The plan, which may be submitted to the court, includes only those points of agreement.
Mediators are bound by an ethical code assuring the parents confidentiality. What they report to the court is limited to the signed agreement between the parents. The mediator may ask the parents to agree not to repeat what is said in mediation to anyone else. However, confidentiality could be forfeited if the mediator has reason to believe that one parent may physically harm someone.
Using a mediator to help parents from divided homes to resolve differences is becoming increasingly popular. The reason for the popularity is that it works. Parents who participate in making decisions and feel their concerns are heard are more likely to comply with a mediated agreement than a court order. This encourages parents to work together, and this is good for the children. Research has proven repeatedly that children make a better adjustment to divorce when they know their parents communicate and work together for their best interests. However, some continue to think of mediation as a fad. For others, mediation is a viable alternative to returning to court every year or two to settle disputes. While the process is clearly not a panacea for all the ills that trouble divorced families and their children, for many it is an effective method of resolving disputes.
Counseling
There are some family or personal problems that mediation is not intended to solve. Someone who has a mental disorder, abuses drugs or is abusive to people will require a more intense therapeutic intervention with a counselor, social worker, psychologists or psychiatrist. Most mediators are not qualified to work with those who need help specifically with parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome. From my experience, the counselors most effective at working with high conflict issues have been trained in family systems therapy, have knowledge of the laws and court, and understand the workings of alienation. Our court in Trumbull County, Ohio has put together a pool of counselors to work with these families. To participate in the pool, counselors had to go through our training and agree to report compliance back to the court. This has been working very well.
Some attorneys suspect that clients may need counseling but are not sure when a referral is appropriate. Most people start counseling to get relief from psychological or emotional pain. While everyone has days when one feels depressed, on edge, or anxious, having these feelings does not mean a person needs therapy. Rather, therapy is helpful when a person does not bounce back or recover from psychological pain or persistent pain, and when poor coping skills interfere with daily functioning. A person has good reason for getting professional help when he or she is missing work, no longer enjoying pleasurable activities, drinking more, having trouble controlling anger, or withdrawing from friends and family.
Specifically, active alienators who are frequently triggered and expose the children to their anger may need therapy, since they usually have trouble separating ex-spousal issues from parental responsibilities. Obsessed alienators always need therapy, but they will often refuse to go and may be offended by a suggestion that help is necessary. Others who commonly need therapy are parents who spend too much time thinking about their divorce and having been betrayed by the system; parents who can’t help driving by the marital home hoping for a glimpse of the ex-spouse or children; and parents who often think about their next phone call to the ex-spouse or the children and cannot seem to stop him or herself from making the calls. Other warning signs include an increase in the use of alcohol and drugs or an increase in high-risk behavior such as drinking and driving, unprotected sex, stalking, and harassing phone calls.
Sometimes parents have the idea, often reinforced by mental health professionals, that people should seek professional help whenever they suffer a trauma or a major loss, because they can’t help but become emotionally scarred if the crisis isn’t somehow dealt with professionally. This thinking is not always true. For thousands of years, people have suffered crises without getting therapy. Most seemed to get along fine, stumbling along for a while but often becoming stronger for their experience. They continue to function quite well and make tremendous contributions. I sometimes think many mental health professionals are arrogant to think they are the only ones qualified to help someone through a crisis. This is not always true. When parents do need help, however, they may need to be remind by their attorney that there is no shame in doing so. What is shameful is recognizing there is a problem and doing nothing about it. Some parents also need the reassurance that counseling will not hurt their case.
If a parent decides help is necessary, he or she should schedule an appointment with a local psychologist, clinical social worker or family therapist. There are local organizations that sponsor workshops or groups for people adjusting to their divorce. Other good sources are the family court, friends who have had an experience similar to the parent’s, or local support or advocacy groups like Parents Without Partners, ACES or Fathers for Equal Rights.
When considering a therapist, a parent should not hesitate to interview the person to see if he or she is qualified. One should ask for therapists’ qualifications and fees even if some therapists may be put off. Many parents have asked for mine. Remember that a parent trusts the therapists with their own or their child’s well being, and their services are also expensive. A parent should ask them for other qualifications: How many times have they testified in domestic court?. How many years of experiences do they have working with families? Who is the psychiatrist with whom they are working in the event medication or a psychiatric evaluation may be needed? What are the fees? There are no rules or specific qualifications that will assure a parent of the clinicians qualifications. One must use one’s best judgment.
There should be chemistry between the parent seeking therapy and the therapist. Sometimes this takes a while to establish, as with any other close relationship, so parents should not give up too easily. To do a good job, the counselor may have to tell the parent some things they won’t want to hear at first. This is particularly true if the parent has been alienating their children. On the other hand, if the parent’s gut instinct is that the counselor is off target and consistently puts them down or makes them feel more depressed, the parent should trust his or her instincts and look for another therapist.
Taken from: PARENTAL ALIENATION: NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN by DOUGLAS DARNALL from NORTH DAKOTA LAW REVIEW, Volume 75, 1999, p 323-364