Possible reasons for parent rejection:
One of the most frequent questions from judges to "experts" in custody matters is whether other problems can account for children's rejection of one parent. The answer is that, of course, many other problems contribute to estrangement between a parent and child. However, the solution will probably still be some kind of agreement or court order for continued contact between parent and child so the problem can be worked out, either through natural interaction or with the help of some therapy. If contact between a parent and child stops, all of the problems listed below can develop into an almost phobic reaction to having contact with the "hated parent."
1. Developmentally normal separation problems.
Preschool children will usually go through some kind of separation anxiety when leaving their "primary parent." The extent of the separation problem is determined both by the temperament of the child and by how the parents respond to the problem. Visitation problems with preschool children are analogous to problems that children have when going to school for the first time and require similar techniques. They are to reassure the child and try to lower the child's anxiety, but also to make it clear that this transition will take place. Usually, court orders enforcing the visitation time and therapy aimed at reassuring the mother and calming her anxiety will solve these problems.
2. Deficits in the noncustodial parent's skills.
Quite often the father who is beginning to take care of children on his own for the first time does not have the understanding of their needs or the experience in how to parent directly. Advice by the mother on how to deal with the children is usually not received well after divorce. Generally, parent training alone will solve these problems. Sometimes, it is important to have the father and children in therapy to help the father understand the children's feelings and needs. One judge reported that a visitation problem in his court was resolved when he ordered the father to buy a computer and a piano so that the child had something to do when visiting him.
3. Oppositional behavior.
Particularly in preadolescence and adolescence, it is common for children to go through a stage of rejecting one or both parents. This rejection is not threatening in an intact family. Although such behavior is developmentally normal, in a divorced family it will usually require some form of brief therapy to help find appropriate limit setting and negotiate the child's increased independence without cutting off the relationship.
4. High-conflict divorced families.
As discussed in later sections, it is an unfortunate but normal adjustment by children in high-conflict divorces to escape the conflict by allying with one parent. Legal and therapeutic intervention should be aimed at keeping some kind of contact going so that the child can mature enough to stand outside of the conflict and form relationships with both parents.
5. Serious problems, not necessarily abuse.
There are situations in which there are serious problems in the noncustodial parent's relationship with the children, which are abusive, although not always constituting technically reportable abuse. For example, an alcoholic parent, an extremely rigid and controlling parent, or a parent with other severe psychiatric disturbance may be rejected by a child. In these cases, it may be that the only way the child can tolerate seeing the parent is in psychotherapy with a therapist who can buffer the impact of the parent's emotional problems on the child. However, it is still thought to be important that the child have some contact with the parent in order to form a realistic understanding of the parent.
6. Child abuse.
As in intact families, both physical and sexual child abuse occurs in divorced families. The steps in therapy for families in which abuse has occurred usually involve protecting the child from the patent until the patent takes some responsibility and has demonstrated change through a therapy program. These cases usually involve very difficult questions about when to begin monitored visits and the length of monitoring. However, some form of contact between parent and child is still usually thought to benefit the child after the parent shows readiness for appropriate interaction with the child.
A THERAPIST'S VIEW OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME - Mary Lund - from the FAMILY AND CONCILIATION COURTS REVIEW, Vol. 33 No. 3, July 1995 p 308-316
One of the most frequent questions from judges to "experts" in custody matters is whether other problems can account for children's rejection of one parent. The answer is that, of course, many other problems contribute to estrangement between a parent and child. However, the solution will probably still be some kind of agreement or court order for continued contact between parent and child so the problem can be worked out, either through natural interaction or with the help of some therapy. If contact between a parent and child stops, all of the problems listed below can develop into an almost phobic reaction to having contact with the "hated parent."
1. Developmentally normal separation problems.
Preschool children will usually go through some kind of separation anxiety when leaving their "primary parent." The extent of the separation problem is determined both by the temperament of the child and by how the parents respond to the problem. Visitation problems with preschool children are analogous to problems that children have when going to school for the first time and require similar techniques. They are to reassure the child and try to lower the child's anxiety, but also to make it clear that this transition will take place. Usually, court orders enforcing the visitation time and therapy aimed at reassuring the mother and calming her anxiety will solve these problems.
2. Deficits in the noncustodial parent's skills.
Quite often the father who is beginning to take care of children on his own for the first time does not have the understanding of their needs or the experience in how to parent directly. Advice by the mother on how to deal with the children is usually not received well after divorce. Generally, parent training alone will solve these problems. Sometimes, it is important to have the father and children in therapy to help the father understand the children's feelings and needs. One judge reported that a visitation problem in his court was resolved when he ordered the father to buy a computer and a piano so that the child had something to do when visiting him.
3. Oppositional behavior.
Particularly in preadolescence and adolescence, it is common for children to go through a stage of rejecting one or both parents. This rejection is not threatening in an intact family. Although such behavior is developmentally normal, in a divorced family it will usually require some form of brief therapy to help find appropriate limit setting and negotiate the child's increased independence without cutting off the relationship.
4. High-conflict divorced families.
As discussed in later sections, it is an unfortunate but normal adjustment by children in high-conflict divorces to escape the conflict by allying with one parent. Legal and therapeutic intervention should be aimed at keeping some kind of contact going so that the child can mature enough to stand outside of the conflict and form relationships with both parents.
5. Serious problems, not necessarily abuse.
There are situations in which there are serious problems in the noncustodial parent's relationship with the children, which are abusive, although not always constituting technically reportable abuse. For example, an alcoholic parent, an extremely rigid and controlling parent, or a parent with other severe psychiatric disturbance may be rejected by a child. In these cases, it may be that the only way the child can tolerate seeing the parent is in psychotherapy with a therapist who can buffer the impact of the parent's emotional problems on the child. However, it is still thought to be important that the child have some contact with the parent in order to form a realistic understanding of the parent.
6. Child abuse.
As in intact families, both physical and sexual child abuse occurs in divorced families. The steps in therapy for families in which abuse has occurred usually involve protecting the child from the patent until the patent takes some responsibility and has demonstrated change through a therapy program. These cases usually involve very difficult questions about when to begin monitored visits and the length of monitoring. However, some form of contact between parent and child is still usually thought to benefit the child after the parent shows readiness for appropriate interaction with the child.
A THERAPIST'S VIEW OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME - Mary Lund - from the FAMILY AND CONCILIATION COURTS REVIEW, Vol. 33 No. 3, July 1995 p 308-316