In the mild to moderate category of HAP, most parents exhibit a number of recognizable behaviours:
1) Will badmouth the other parent in front of the children. Hostile-Aggressive Parents will often say bad things about the other parent and constantly try to put a negative perspective on many of the things that the other parent does, even when the other parent is being reasonable and fair. HAP parents will not justify why they are saying to the child but just say bad things about the other parent.
2) Not willing to participate in any reasonable form of written communication. Some Hostile-Aggressive Parents may try to avoid written communication such as letters, e-mails or faxes as these documents generally provide evidence to reveal their abusive and uncooperative behaviour. Some HAP parents may send typewritten notes on occasion but often will not put their signature on their notes.
3) Will tell the other parent and other third parties to deal only with their lawyer at times of minor conflict. The HAP parent wishes to frustrate the other parent and believes that their lawyer will help them makes things more difficult and further frustrate the other party’s efforts to communicate.
4) Will frustrate normal and healthy telephone communication Frustrating telephone communications is one of the most common behaviours that HAP parents demonstrate. The HAP parent will often attempt to frustrate phone communication in the following ways:
• Frequently unplug the phone or turn off the phone ringing devices.
• When the phone rings, pick up the phone but then immediately hang up the phone on the calling party.
• Will not answer the phone when the other parent calls. Often the child may witness their parent let the phone ring & ring numerous time without picking it up.
• Turn off their answering machine when they see that it is the other parent who is calling which makes it difficult for the other parent to leave messages.
• Use the call block feature on the phone so that the other parent or family members cannot ring through to their number even though the other parent’s actions would not warrant the blocking of calls.
• Will hang up the phone in the middle of a conversation without giving the calling party a chance to respond to a comment made during the phone exchange.
• Not return phone messages left by the other parent even when these messages have been left on an answering machine
• Force the child to speak to the other parent or family members on speakerphone or listen in on the children’s private conversations. Some HAP parents will force the child to converse with the other parent over a speakerphone or will listen in on the child conversation’s so that they can hear their child’s live telephone conversations with the other parent. HAP parents are literally paranoid about anything that their child may say to the other parent or about what the other parent may say to the child.
• Will order their child not to answer the phone when it rings, thereby limiting the child’s telephone contacts with the other parent. Many children in this situation are aware that their other parent is trying to call but are often too fearful of the HAP parent to pick up the phone even though they would like to.
• Will grab and take away the phone from the child in the middle of a conversation with the other parent.
• Remove phones after use and lock them away in a closet or room so that the child has no access to a phone or install phones high up on a wall, out of the reach for smaller children to be able to answer.
• Will not let the child use a cell phone that the other parent may have provided to the child in an attempt to help overcome some of the telephone communication difficulties. Sometimes the HAP parent will take the cell phone that was given for the child’s use and use it for their personal use and run up a bill which must be paid by the other parent.
Often the child will observe the telephone manners of HAP parent which sets a bad role model for the child. The Hostile-Aggressive Parent wishes to limit the child’s contact with the other parent and frustrate the other parent. In some cases, HAP parents are trying to get the other parent to do something that they can use as an excuse to call police.
5) Will say that the child does not want to speak to the other parent. HAP parents will not have the child call the other parent at prescribed times, even court ordered, and then say that the child did not want to speak to the other parent. Very often these children are afraid to even ask as they know the HAP parent will not be happy and may punish them in some ways.
6) Will not let older children speak for themselves. HAP parents will generally call on behalf of the child even when the child is old or mature enough to relay the information to the other parent. For example, the HAP parent may call and tell the other parent that the child wants to come to their home for lunch. Rather than allowing the child to call himself/herself, the HAP parent will call to give the message.
7) Will undermine the other parent by encouraging the child to defy the other parent’s authority and even grant the child the freedom to do things which the other parent has deemed to be inappropriate. This could range from allowing a young child to stay up far too late at night or allowing the child not to do his/her homework. This is especially harmful with a teenage child as it encourages the child to manipulate one parent against the other to avoid discipline and consequences. Hostile-aggressive parents will allow the child to make decisions which clearly the child should not be making just for the purpose of getting the child to side with the HAP parent.
8) Will tell the child that they cannot alter the parenting times outlined on the court Order because the court does not allow this. HAP parents try to deceive children by telling them that they cannot spend more time with the other parent because the court Order prohibits it. Although the HAP parent knows otherwise, the HAP parent wants the child to think that it is the court’s fault so that they can deflect blame away from themselves.
9) Will play on the children’s feeling of guilt and sympathy. Some examples may include telling the child that they will be lonely or not loved if the child leaves to go with the other parent or telling the child that they were really looking forward to the child spending time with them for a specific event or function, even though it was the other parent’s parenting time. Children find it very difficult to express their wishes when put under pressure by the parent they are with at the time or against the wishes of the parent that they perceive to have the most power and control over them.
10) Will be uncooperative when it comes to working out summer and holiday schedules for children. The hostile-aggressive parent will make all kinds of excuses and employ all sorts of tactics to impede negotiations between the other parent for summer holidays and other holidays throughout the year. The hostile-aggressive parent’s intention is to create uncertainty with the other parent, to create difficulties with the other parent’s schedule and to hopefully through the delay, to minimize the amount of time that the child will have to spend with the other parent. Quite often, an HAP parent will delay matters and then say that they already have things planned with the child, which of course, interferes with the non-custodial parent’s ability to schedule time with the child. The HAP parent is always looking for ways to make sure that the child’s time is scheduled around the HAP parent’s priorities and not around the child’s wishes or the priorities of the other parent.
11) Fail to involve the other parent in the choice of daycare providers. Quite often the hostileaggressive parent will chose friends or people they know who will accept their side of the story without questioning them. They will search out to find day care providers who will side with them or bend the truth in their favour to help them make things difficult for the other parent. The daycare workers these parents choose often are ones who they know will not get "involved" to help resolve problems or will keep silent about reporting irregularities involving the children. Such daycare providers become, in effect, collaborative supporters to child abuse.
12) Choose third parties over the other parent to care for the child when he/she is ill and not in school, regardless of the other parent’s availability and willingness to care for the child. The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent so at times such as when the child is ill, the HAP will hire a babysitter in preference to allowing the other parent to care for the child.
13) Deny access to the children by pretending that they are too sick or they have too much homework, or delay their availability. The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent.
14) Create difficulties for the children to see the other parent on special occasions. HAP parents will attempt to prevent the child from being with the other parent on special occasions such as birthdays, Father's or Mother's day, special family gatherings, etc. HAP parents can be very innovative in inventing excuses to keep children from seeing the other parent.
15) Attempt to force themselves upon the other family at functions. Hostile-Aggressive parents may show up unannounced at special events such as the funeral of a member of their ex-partner’s family when they know that they are not invited or welcomed. This is often done to disrupt the peacefulness of other family’s function.
16) Insist that the non-custodial parent return the children precisely on time while not respecting these same rules themselves. HAP parents may make a big issue about when the children are dropped off or picked up. Usually it is the sole custodial parent who is able to make the biggest fuss about this as the non-custodial parent has little ability to raise an objection.
17) Unwilling to make arrangements with the other parent when situations arise which reasonably warrant some flexibility. For instance, a hostile parent may refuse to vary parenting time to allow a child to attend events such as dance rehearsal, birthday parties and other events because they are desired by other parent.
18) Unwilling to have a third party act as a mediator, coordinator, or have any other professional involved in helping the parents co-parent the children effectively. Generally, the HAP parent does not want any other third parties involved who may bear witness to their Hostile-Aggressive Parenting. Quite often, the Hostile-aggressive parent will claim that third parties are biased or unprofessional as a way to justify not wanting to have them involved. HAP parents may initially support the involvement of third parties but then reject involvement of these people once they see that the third parties will not support their HAP behaviours.
19) Make claims of bias against any party involved with helping the family who does not support the HAP parent’s interests. Generally, the HAP parent will try to make allegations of bias or non-professionalism against anyone who may become involved with helping the family. This may include assessors, social workers, access supervisors, child advocates, etc. HAP mothers will often allege that these people are members or supporters of “radical father’s rights” organizations in an attempt to discredit them before the court. Conversely, an HAP father may allege that the people are radical feminists or closely associated with women’s abuse shelters.
20) Take the children to their “own” counsellors, doctors or other professionals without the knowledge or permission of the other parent. The hostile-aggressive parent will often take his/her child to a professional such as counsellor or family doctor to obtain documentation such as letters of support or opinions which may help them win to disrupt the child’s relationship with the other parent. The HAP parent will not want the professionals to obtain any input from the other parent as they do not want the professional to be influenced by information from the friendly parent, which often is only the truth. Professionals who provide support to HAP parents under such circumstances are referred to in the industry as “hired guns”. Sometimes these professionals are approached by the lawyer of the HAP parent and often convinced to provide information to support the one side.
21) Unwilling to participate in mediation or any kind of parenting program, which involves the participation of all the members of the family. Hostile-Aggressive parents are usually afraid of their abusive parenting being exposed at such meetings. They often do not want other members of their family, often the children, to be revealing family secrets to outside third parties.
22) Unwilling to consider any kind of fair and equal parenting arrangement for the child when such an arrangement is desired by the other parent and/or the child. Most Hostile- Aggressive parents cannot bear the thought of the other parent getting the same rights as they do with the children. Although most children can adapt quite well to a variety of parenting arrangements, HAP parents will insist that for reasons of consistency and predictability, the child must be with them for a greater amount of time than with the other parent. The HAP parent will use the “home base” for the child argument.
23) Unilaterally make plans for the child on the other parent’s access time. HAP parents will sometimes plan activities for the child during the child’s scheduled time to be with the other parent. For instance, a custodial parent may sign the child up for a sports activity which may involve the child’s participation on days that the child will be with the other parent. Although having both parents show cooperation to support a common interest of the child is good, unilaterally planning the child’s time with the other parent this may be considered controlling and abusive when the other parent has less than 50% time share with the child, which is usually the case with most non-custodial parents.
24) Get the child to place blame and guilt on the other parent. When an HAP parent attempts to make plans for the child and finds that the other parent is not able to accommodate such plans, then the HAP parent will lay blame on the parent and tell the child they can’t go to the event because of the other parent. The HAP parent will say things to the child to make it look like it was the other parent’s fault such as, “you won’t be able to go now because your other parent does not really want you to go there”. The HAP parent will then tell friends and neighbours that the other parent did not want to do something good for the child.
25) Entice or bribe the child to not want to go with the other parent. Very similar to making plans for the child on the other parent’s time, HAP parents will sometimes entice the child to not want to go with the other parent. For instance, a custodial parent may offer such things as: to take the child to an outing at a cottage, to go boating, on a trip, get a new pet such as a dog or cat, etc. Most of the things that the parent offers are things that they know the child would really like to do or to have. By doing this, the parent instils in the child that materialistic things are more important than the child’s relationship with both of his/her parents.
26) Not inform the other parent of upcoming school activities, events, or holidays when the child’s regular schedule at school may not be applicable. Very similar to making plans for the child on the other parent’s time, HAP parents will often not pass on notices from school in relation to children’s homework or school trips. HAP parents often want to keep this information from the other parent to show that they have control over the flow of information from the child’s school. Often HAP parents will tell the school that the other parent is not allowed to obtain information from the school without their consent.
27) Not inform the other parent in a timely manner when the child has been injured. HAP parents will often not inform the other parent if the child has injured themselves, even if the injuries are serious enough that the child had to be taken to the doctor’s office or hospital. The HAP parent will tell the other parent days later and sometimes not until the other parent’s regular parenting time. Sometimes the HAP parent may use the situation to tell the child that the other parent could not be bothered to see them when they were injured.
28) Not allow the child to have any pictures or memorabilia involving the other parent in the home, including the child’s own room.
29) Throw out or destroy pictures of the other parent and remove pictures of the other parent from all photo albums. This often will include pictures that their own child may have. The HAP parent has very little, if any, respect for the past, even if there were some good experiences to remember. Their anger is so intense that even the picture of their former spouse in their home will have adverse affects on them.
30) Discard or sell gifts given by the other parent while they were together The hostileaggressive parent will “clear house” by throwing out wedding gifts, wedding gowns and rings and other memorabilia relating to the couple’s past relationship. Items which could be of immense value to a child in later years are discarded with little consideration.
31) Contact their child’s school or daycare and attempt to discredit the other parent and to unfairly prevent the other parent’s involvement with their child’s activities at the child’s school or daycare. When they contact the school or daycare, HAP parents will use the same tricks that they used in court - they will often make unsubstantiated claims and exaggerations against the other parent to cause maximum harm to the other parent’s credibility in an attempt to minimize the other parent’s involvement with the school or daycare.
32) Supply the school with false or misleading contact information about the other parent and family designed to make it difficult for the school to contact the non-custodial parent in the event of an emergency. The hostile-aggressive parent wants school officials to only recognize themselves as the parent and not the other parent and extended family.
33) Will refuse to participate in activities at the child’s school when the other parent is present. In some cases the other parent may be doing another totally separate activity in the school but the hostile-aggressive parent will not want to even be at the school, knowing the other parent is in the same building.
34) Will object to the other parent (usually the non custodial parent) taking the child to any kind of counselling or other third party professional. The HAP parent is often fearful of the child disclosing information to outside third parties without their knowledge which may affect their situation with the court. HAP parents are often fearful of third parties asking the child about his/her wishes and preferences. Many HAP parents will use their sole custodial status to prevent anyone professional from speaking to the child so that the child is kept silent.
35) Refuse to disclose important and relevant contact information to the non-custodial parent. The HAP parent may refuse to disclose such information as place of employment, phone numbers, contact numbers, health card information, etc., when there is no valid reason to keep this information secret. Many times, this information can be important to the other parent in the case of an emergency.
36) Attempt to spread their hate and animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the targeted parent. The HAP parent needs to be seen as the better parent and to achieve this goal will resort to many tactics to undermine the credibility and reputation of the other parent. The HAP parent will often speak unfavourably about the other parent to everyone they know.
37) Feed misinformation to professionals in order to obtain letters supporting their side Hostile-aggressive parents will often present themselves quite well to professionals such as doctors, nurses, police officers, etc. They are often masters of deception and will often feed these professionals with one-sided information in order to mislead professionals so that they can extract opinion or recommendation letters from these professionals which can favour theHAP parent. Often the HAP parent will use these letters to block the other parent’s access time with the child or use the letters in court against the other parent.
38) Claim that there is a potential for conflict with their former spouse to thwart open discussion of the issues. Many HAP parents have difficulty defending their allegations when the other parent is present to defend themselves. To avoid embarrassment and being faced with often is the truth, HAP parents will tend to try to avoid open dialogue or family group conferences which tend to expose the lies of HAP parents. To thwart attendance at such meetings and conferences, HAP parents will often say that they are fearful for their safety to attend such a meeting and that being in the same room with their former spouse could pose a danger to them. Even when security measures are suggested, HAP parents will come up with some other excuse in an attempt to thwart any process which promotes openness and accountability.
39) Proclaim to have been awarded custody of the children by the court because the court deemed them to be the better parent and the other parent to be a lesser of a parent. HAP parents will use a court decision, even if flawed and unjust, as a tool in their war against the other parent.
40) Will threaten the child with loss of their love should the child ever want to live with the other parent or should the child show affection towards the other parent or other parent’s extended family. Many HAP parents play on their children’s guilt and tell their child is that they will never be welcomed back in the home again if they ever go to live with the other parent or show greater affection for the other parent.
41) Will coach the child to “spy” on the other parent or pump the child for information. Many HAP parents will ask the child to report back to them about activities in the other parent’s home and will tell the child to keep their “spying” activities a secret from the other parent. Often HAP parents will interrogate the child for information after each child’s visit with the other parent.
42) Will make of false claims of parental conflict, while doing nothing to reduce such conflict. In many cases, the HAP parent actually creates the conflict before going to court as a strategy to win custody in court and then blame the other side for the conflict. A dead give away to HAP parents that attempt to use this strategy to their advantage is that they cannot show any real reasonable attempt to have tried to resolve the problem with outside third parties.
43) Will create conflict with their just after visits with the other parent and then blame the other parent for being the cause of the conflict with the child. In many cases, the HAP parent will creates conflict with their child many times when the child returns from visits with the other parent. The parent may interrogate the child about the visit, or may say bad things about the other parent to get the child upset. When the child does get upset out of frustration, the HAP parent will report the child’s behaviour to child welfare protection agency or to the child’s doctor, and report that this problem seems caused by the visits with the other parent. In most cases, the HAP parent is trying to have the child’s access to the other parent reduced by placing blame on the other parent.
44) Will send the child to the other parent’s home in old, undesirable clothes and keep any newer clothes that the other parent may have sent the child in when the child came to their home. By these actions, the HAP parent will indirectly benefit by forcing the other parent to purchase more than their fair share of clothes for the child.
45) Will take the child out of the country on extended trips or holidays without leaving the other parent any details or contact information. HAP parents want to show the other parent that they have full control over the child and taking the child away from the other parent for extended periods of time are one way in which HAP parents can demonstrate their power and control. Normally, only sole custodial HAP parents are able to do this.
46) Will extort favours or materialistic things from the other parent. HAP parents will demand that the other parent purchase clothes and toys for the child or make concessions to transportation even though they are receiving money for child support. If these demands are not met, the HAP parent will punish the other parent by tightening control over the child and in most cases cutting back access to the child.
47) Will ask the Court to issue a restraining order against the other party when there really is no need. HAP parents often want a restraining order to help make the other party look bad in court and also to set up the other parent for stalking or harassment charges later on. Once the restraining order is placed it becomes very easy in the future for the HAP parent to turn any little argument into grounds for the police to intervene and to arrest the other party. Often when police see that a restraining order is already in effect, it is assumed that theperson is a troublemaker and harsh steps will be taken against the person who has the restraining order on file against them.
48) Try to get the other parent in trouble with various other government agencies. Some HAP parents will attempt to make trouble for the other parent by reporting them to various government bodies, often anonymously. One of the common tricks that HAP parents do is to make an anonymous call to tax collection agents giving false and misleading information about the other parent, in hopes of spawning an investigation against their former partner. Other tricks include calling municipal bylaw officials in relation to any minor bylaw infractions around the home (such as the lawn, garbage and pets) or calling police in regards to minor motor vehicle infractions (such as outdated insurance, emissions, seatbelt violations etc.).
49) Will make a mountain out of a mole hill. HAP parents will often exaggerate small things in an attempt to make the other parent look bad, especially during court proceedings. HAP parents will make major problems over such things as children seating in a car with air bags, children travelling in a car that does not meet vehicle emissions testing, allowing children to play on the sidewalk on the street alone, etc. An HAP parent will try to make the other parent look bad no matter how trivial the item may be.
50) Will use bribery and gifts to gain special privilege or recognition from others who may have influence over the children. HAP parents are always trying to place themselves in a more favoured position with others in the community who may have influence over the children. HAP parents may provide unusual or inappropriate gifts to school officials, doctors, dentists, etc. as part of a campaign to gain the favour of these other person. Such gifts may include gifts of alcohol, tickets to special events, etc.
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services
1) Will badmouth the other parent in front of the children. Hostile-Aggressive Parents will often say bad things about the other parent and constantly try to put a negative perspective on many of the things that the other parent does, even when the other parent is being reasonable and fair. HAP parents will not justify why they are saying to the child but just say bad things about the other parent.
2) Not willing to participate in any reasonable form of written communication. Some Hostile-Aggressive Parents may try to avoid written communication such as letters, e-mails or faxes as these documents generally provide evidence to reveal their abusive and uncooperative behaviour. Some HAP parents may send typewritten notes on occasion but often will not put their signature on their notes.
3) Will tell the other parent and other third parties to deal only with their lawyer at times of minor conflict. The HAP parent wishes to frustrate the other parent and believes that their lawyer will help them makes things more difficult and further frustrate the other party’s efforts to communicate.
4) Will frustrate normal and healthy telephone communication Frustrating telephone communications is one of the most common behaviours that HAP parents demonstrate. The HAP parent will often attempt to frustrate phone communication in the following ways:
• Frequently unplug the phone or turn off the phone ringing devices.
• When the phone rings, pick up the phone but then immediately hang up the phone on the calling party.
• Will not answer the phone when the other parent calls. Often the child may witness their parent let the phone ring & ring numerous time without picking it up.
• Turn off their answering machine when they see that it is the other parent who is calling which makes it difficult for the other parent to leave messages.
• Use the call block feature on the phone so that the other parent or family members cannot ring through to their number even though the other parent’s actions would not warrant the blocking of calls.
• Will hang up the phone in the middle of a conversation without giving the calling party a chance to respond to a comment made during the phone exchange.
• Not return phone messages left by the other parent even when these messages have been left on an answering machine
• Force the child to speak to the other parent or family members on speakerphone or listen in on the children’s private conversations. Some HAP parents will force the child to converse with the other parent over a speakerphone or will listen in on the child conversation’s so that they can hear their child’s live telephone conversations with the other parent. HAP parents are literally paranoid about anything that their child may say to the other parent or about what the other parent may say to the child.
• Will order their child not to answer the phone when it rings, thereby limiting the child’s telephone contacts with the other parent. Many children in this situation are aware that their other parent is trying to call but are often too fearful of the HAP parent to pick up the phone even though they would like to.
• Will grab and take away the phone from the child in the middle of a conversation with the other parent.
• Remove phones after use and lock them away in a closet or room so that the child has no access to a phone or install phones high up on a wall, out of the reach for smaller children to be able to answer.
• Will not let the child use a cell phone that the other parent may have provided to the child in an attempt to help overcome some of the telephone communication difficulties. Sometimes the HAP parent will take the cell phone that was given for the child’s use and use it for their personal use and run up a bill which must be paid by the other parent.
Often the child will observe the telephone manners of HAP parent which sets a bad role model for the child. The Hostile-Aggressive Parent wishes to limit the child’s contact with the other parent and frustrate the other parent. In some cases, HAP parents are trying to get the other parent to do something that they can use as an excuse to call police.
5) Will say that the child does not want to speak to the other parent. HAP parents will not have the child call the other parent at prescribed times, even court ordered, and then say that the child did not want to speak to the other parent. Very often these children are afraid to even ask as they know the HAP parent will not be happy and may punish them in some ways.
6) Will not let older children speak for themselves. HAP parents will generally call on behalf of the child even when the child is old or mature enough to relay the information to the other parent. For example, the HAP parent may call and tell the other parent that the child wants to come to their home for lunch. Rather than allowing the child to call himself/herself, the HAP parent will call to give the message.
7) Will undermine the other parent by encouraging the child to defy the other parent’s authority and even grant the child the freedom to do things which the other parent has deemed to be inappropriate. This could range from allowing a young child to stay up far too late at night or allowing the child not to do his/her homework. This is especially harmful with a teenage child as it encourages the child to manipulate one parent against the other to avoid discipline and consequences. Hostile-aggressive parents will allow the child to make decisions which clearly the child should not be making just for the purpose of getting the child to side with the HAP parent.
8) Will tell the child that they cannot alter the parenting times outlined on the court Order because the court does not allow this. HAP parents try to deceive children by telling them that they cannot spend more time with the other parent because the court Order prohibits it. Although the HAP parent knows otherwise, the HAP parent wants the child to think that it is the court’s fault so that they can deflect blame away from themselves.
9) Will play on the children’s feeling of guilt and sympathy. Some examples may include telling the child that they will be lonely or not loved if the child leaves to go with the other parent or telling the child that they were really looking forward to the child spending time with them for a specific event or function, even though it was the other parent’s parenting time. Children find it very difficult to express their wishes when put under pressure by the parent they are with at the time or against the wishes of the parent that they perceive to have the most power and control over them.
10) Will be uncooperative when it comes to working out summer and holiday schedules for children. The hostile-aggressive parent will make all kinds of excuses and employ all sorts of tactics to impede negotiations between the other parent for summer holidays and other holidays throughout the year. The hostile-aggressive parent’s intention is to create uncertainty with the other parent, to create difficulties with the other parent’s schedule and to hopefully through the delay, to minimize the amount of time that the child will have to spend with the other parent. Quite often, an HAP parent will delay matters and then say that they already have things planned with the child, which of course, interferes with the non-custodial parent’s ability to schedule time with the child. The HAP parent is always looking for ways to make sure that the child’s time is scheduled around the HAP parent’s priorities and not around the child’s wishes or the priorities of the other parent.
11) Fail to involve the other parent in the choice of daycare providers. Quite often the hostileaggressive parent will chose friends or people they know who will accept their side of the story without questioning them. They will search out to find day care providers who will side with them or bend the truth in their favour to help them make things difficult for the other parent. The daycare workers these parents choose often are ones who they know will not get "involved" to help resolve problems or will keep silent about reporting irregularities involving the children. Such daycare providers become, in effect, collaborative supporters to child abuse.
12) Choose third parties over the other parent to care for the child when he/she is ill and not in school, regardless of the other parent’s availability and willingness to care for the child. The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent so at times such as when the child is ill, the HAP will hire a babysitter in preference to allowing the other parent to care for the child.
13) Deny access to the children by pretending that they are too sick or they have too much homework, or delay their availability. The hostile-aggressive parent will use every opportunity to keep the other parent from having the chance to parent the child regardless of the wishes of the child or other parent.
14) Create difficulties for the children to see the other parent on special occasions. HAP parents will attempt to prevent the child from being with the other parent on special occasions such as birthdays, Father's or Mother's day, special family gatherings, etc. HAP parents can be very innovative in inventing excuses to keep children from seeing the other parent.
15) Attempt to force themselves upon the other family at functions. Hostile-Aggressive parents may show up unannounced at special events such as the funeral of a member of their ex-partner’s family when they know that they are not invited or welcomed. This is often done to disrupt the peacefulness of other family’s function.
16) Insist that the non-custodial parent return the children precisely on time while not respecting these same rules themselves. HAP parents may make a big issue about when the children are dropped off or picked up. Usually it is the sole custodial parent who is able to make the biggest fuss about this as the non-custodial parent has little ability to raise an objection.
17) Unwilling to make arrangements with the other parent when situations arise which reasonably warrant some flexibility. For instance, a hostile parent may refuse to vary parenting time to allow a child to attend events such as dance rehearsal, birthday parties and other events because they are desired by other parent.
18) Unwilling to have a third party act as a mediator, coordinator, or have any other professional involved in helping the parents co-parent the children effectively. Generally, the HAP parent does not want any other third parties involved who may bear witness to their Hostile-Aggressive Parenting. Quite often, the Hostile-aggressive parent will claim that third parties are biased or unprofessional as a way to justify not wanting to have them involved. HAP parents may initially support the involvement of third parties but then reject involvement of these people once they see that the third parties will not support their HAP behaviours.
19) Make claims of bias against any party involved with helping the family who does not support the HAP parent’s interests. Generally, the HAP parent will try to make allegations of bias or non-professionalism against anyone who may become involved with helping the family. This may include assessors, social workers, access supervisors, child advocates, etc. HAP mothers will often allege that these people are members or supporters of “radical father’s rights” organizations in an attempt to discredit them before the court. Conversely, an HAP father may allege that the people are radical feminists or closely associated with women’s abuse shelters.
20) Take the children to their “own” counsellors, doctors or other professionals without the knowledge or permission of the other parent. The hostile-aggressive parent will often take his/her child to a professional such as counsellor or family doctor to obtain documentation such as letters of support or opinions which may help them win to disrupt the child’s relationship with the other parent. The HAP parent will not want the professionals to obtain any input from the other parent as they do not want the professional to be influenced by information from the friendly parent, which often is only the truth. Professionals who provide support to HAP parents under such circumstances are referred to in the industry as “hired guns”. Sometimes these professionals are approached by the lawyer of the HAP parent and often convinced to provide information to support the one side.
21) Unwilling to participate in mediation or any kind of parenting program, which involves the participation of all the members of the family. Hostile-Aggressive parents are usually afraid of their abusive parenting being exposed at such meetings. They often do not want other members of their family, often the children, to be revealing family secrets to outside third parties.
22) Unwilling to consider any kind of fair and equal parenting arrangement for the child when such an arrangement is desired by the other parent and/or the child. Most Hostile- Aggressive parents cannot bear the thought of the other parent getting the same rights as they do with the children. Although most children can adapt quite well to a variety of parenting arrangements, HAP parents will insist that for reasons of consistency and predictability, the child must be with them for a greater amount of time than with the other parent. The HAP parent will use the “home base” for the child argument.
23) Unilaterally make plans for the child on the other parent’s access time. HAP parents will sometimes plan activities for the child during the child’s scheduled time to be with the other parent. For instance, a custodial parent may sign the child up for a sports activity which may involve the child’s participation on days that the child will be with the other parent. Although having both parents show cooperation to support a common interest of the child is good, unilaterally planning the child’s time with the other parent this may be considered controlling and abusive when the other parent has less than 50% time share with the child, which is usually the case with most non-custodial parents.
24) Get the child to place blame and guilt on the other parent. When an HAP parent attempts to make plans for the child and finds that the other parent is not able to accommodate such plans, then the HAP parent will lay blame on the parent and tell the child they can’t go to the event because of the other parent. The HAP parent will say things to the child to make it look like it was the other parent’s fault such as, “you won’t be able to go now because your other parent does not really want you to go there”. The HAP parent will then tell friends and neighbours that the other parent did not want to do something good for the child.
25) Entice or bribe the child to not want to go with the other parent. Very similar to making plans for the child on the other parent’s time, HAP parents will sometimes entice the child to not want to go with the other parent. For instance, a custodial parent may offer such things as: to take the child to an outing at a cottage, to go boating, on a trip, get a new pet such as a dog or cat, etc. Most of the things that the parent offers are things that they know the child would really like to do or to have. By doing this, the parent instils in the child that materialistic things are more important than the child’s relationship with both of his/her parents.
26) Not inform the other parent of upcoming school activities, events, or holidays when the child’s regular schedule at school may not be applicable. Very similar to making plans for the child on the other parent’s time, HAP parents will often not pass on notices from school in relation to children’s homework or school trips. HAP parents often want to keep this information from the other parent to show that they have control over the flow of information from the child’s school. Often HAP parents will tell the school that the other parent is not allowed to obtain information from the school without their consent.
27) Not inform the other parent in a timely manner when the child has been injured. HAP parents will often not inform the other parent if the child has injured themselves, even if the injuries are serious enough that the child had to be taken to the doctor’s office or hospital. The HAP parent will tell the other parent days later and sometimes not until the other parent’s regular parenting time. Sometimes the HAP parent may use the situation to tell the child that the other parent could not be bothered to see them when they were injured.
28) Not allow the child to have any pictures or memorabilia involving the other parent in the home, including the child’s own room.
29) Throw out or destroy pictures of the other parent and remove pictures of the other parent from all photo albums. This often will include pictures that their own child may have. The HAP parent has very little, if any, respect for the past, even if there were some good experiences to remember. Their anger is so intense that even the picture of their former spouse in their home will have adverse affects on them.
30) Discard or sell gifts given by the other parent while they were together The hostileaggressive parent will “clear house” by throwing out wedding gifts, wedding gowns and rings and other memorabilia relating to the couple’s past relationship. Items which could be of immense value to a child in later years are discarded with little consideration.
31) Contact their child’s school or daycare and attempt to discredit the other parent and to unfairly prevent the other parent’s involvement with their child’s activities at the child’s school or daycare. When they contact the school or daycare, HAP parents will use the same tricks that they used in court - they will often make unsubstantiated claims and exaggerations against the other parent to cause maximum harm to the other parent’s credibility in an attempt to minimize the other parent’s involvement with the school or daycare.
32) Supply the school with false or misleading contact information about the other parent and family designed to make it difficult for the school to contact the non-custodial parent in the event of an emergency. The hostile-aggressive parent wants school officials to only recognize themselves as the parent and not the other parent and extended family.
33) Will refuse to participate in activities at the child’s school when the other parent is present. In some cases the other parent may be doing another totally separate activity in the school but the hostile-aggressive parent will not want to even be at the school, knowing the other parent is in the same building.
34) Will object to the other parent (usually the non custodial parent) taking the child to any kind of counselling or other third party professional. The HAP parent is often fearful of the child disclosing information to outside third parties without their knowledge which may affect their situation with the court. HAP parents are often fearful of third parties asking the child about his/her wishes and preferences. Many HAP parents will use their sole custodial status to prevent anyone professional from speaking to the child so that the child is kept silent.
35) Refuse to disclose important and relevant contact information to the non-custodial parent. The HAP parent may refuse to disclose such information as place of employment, phone numbers, contact numbers, health card information, etc., when there is no valid reason to keep this information secret. Many times, this information can be important to the other parent in the case of an emergency.
36) Attempt to spread their hate and animosity to the friends and/or extended family of the targeted parent. The HAP parent needs to be seen as the better parent and to achieve this goal will resort to many tactics to undermine the credibility and reputation of the other parent. The HAP parent will often speak unfavourably about the other parent to everyone they know.
37) Feed misinformation to professionals in order to obtain letters supporting their side Hostile-aggressive parents will often present themselves quite well to professionals such as doctors, nurses, police officers, etc. They are often masters of deception and will often feed these professionals with one-sided information in order to mislead professionals so that they can extract opinion or recommendation letters from these professionals which can favour theHAP parent. Often the HAP parent will use these letters to block the other parent’s access time with the child or use the letters in court against the other parent.
38) Claim that there is a potential for conflict with their former spouse to thwart open discussion of the issues. Many HAP parents have difficulty defending their allegations when the other parent is present to defend themselves. To avoid embarrassment and being faced with often is the truth, HAP parents will tend to try to avoid open dialogue or family group conferences which tend to expose the lies of HAP parents. To thwart attendance at such meetings and conferences, HAP parents will often say that they are fearful for their safety to attend such a meeting and that being in the same room with their former spouse could pose a danger to them. Even when security measures are suggested, HAP parents will come up with some other excuse in an attempt to thwart any process which promotes openness and accountability.
39) Proclaim to have been awarded custody of the children by the court because the court deemed them to be the better parent and the other parent to be a lesser of a parent. HAP parents will use a court decision, even if flawed and unjust, as a tool in their war against the other parent.
40) Will threaten the child with loss of their love should the child ever want to live with the other parent or should the child show affection towards the other parent or other parent’s extended family. Many HAP parents play on their children’s guilt and tell their child is that they will never be welcomed back in the home again if they ever go to live with the other parent or show greater affection for the other parent.
41) Will coach the child to “spy” on the other parent or pump the child for information. Many HAP parents will ask the child to report back to them about activities in the other parent’s home and will tell the child to keep their “spying” activities a secret from the other parent. Often HAP parents will interrogate the child for information after each child’s visit with the other parent.
42) Will make of false claims of parental conflict, while doing nothing to reduce such conflict. In many cases, the HAP parent actually creates the conflict before going to court as a strategy to win custody in court and then blame the other side for the conflict. A dead give away to HAP parents that attempt to use this strategy to their advantage is that they cannot show any real reasonable attempt to have tried to resolve the problem with outside third parties.
43) Will create conflict with their just after visits with the other parent and then blame the other parent for being the cause of the conflict with the child. In many cases, the HAP parent will creates conflict with their child many times when the child returns from visits with the other parent. The parent may interrogate the child about the visit, or may say bad things about the other parent to get the child upset. When the child does get upset out of frustration, the HAP parent will report the child’s behaviour to child welfare protection agency or to the child’s doctor, and report that this problem seems caused by the visits with the other parent. In most cases, the HAP parent is trying to have the child’s access to the other parent reduced by placing blame on the other parent.
44) Will send the child to the other parent’s home in old, undesirable clothes and keep any newer clothes that the other parent may have sent the child in when the child came to their home. By these actions, the HAP parent will indirectly benefit by forcing the other parent to purchase more than their fair share of clothes for the child.
45) Will take the child out of the country on extended trips or holidays without leaving the other parent any details or contact information. HAP parents want to show the other parent that they have full control over the child and taking the child away from the other parent for extended periods of time are one way in which HAP parents can demonstrate their power and control. Normally, only sole custodial HAP parents are able to do this.
46) Will extort favours or materialistic things from the other parent. HAP parents will demand that the other parent purchase clothes and toys for the child or make concessions to transportation even though they are receiving money for child support. If these demands are not met, the HAP parent will punish the other parent by tightening control over the child and in most cases cutting back access to the child.
47) Will ask the Court to issue a restraining order against the other party when there really is no need. HAP parents often want a restraining order to help make the other party look bad in court and also to set up the other parent for stalking or harassment charges later on. Once the restraining order is placed it becomes very easy in the future for the HAP parent to turn any little argument into grounds for the police to intervene and to arrest the other party. Often when police see that a restraining order is already in effect, it is assumed that theperson is a troublemaker and harsh steps will be taken against the person who has the restraining order on file against them.
48) Try to get the other parent in trouble with various other government agencies. Some HAP parents will attempt to make trouble for the other parent by reporting them to various government bodies, often anonymously. One of the common tricks that HAP parents do is to make an anonymous call to tax collection agents giving false and misleading information about the other parent, in hopes of spawning an investigation against their former partner. Other tricks include calling municipal bylaw officials in relation to any minor bylaw infractions around the home (such as the lawn, garbage and pets) or calling police in regards to minor motor vehicle infractions (such as outdated insurance, emissions, seatbelt violations etc.).
49) Will make a mountain out of a mole hill. HAP parents will often exaggerate small things in an attempt to make the other parent look bad, especially during court proceedings. HAP parents will make major problems over such things as children seating in a car with air bags, children travelling in a car that does not meet vehicle emissions testing, allowing children to play on the sidewalk on the street alone, etc. An HAP parent will try to make the other parent look bad no matter how trivial the item may be.
50) Will use bribery and gifts to gain special privilege or recognition from others who may have influence over the children. HAP parents are always trying to place themselves in a more favoured position with others in the community who may have influence over the children. HAP parents may provide unusual or inappropriate gifts to school officials, doctors, dentists, etc. as part of a campaign to gain the favour of these other person. Such gifts may include gifts of alcohol, tickets to special events, etc.
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services