More Warning Signs:
Couples Counseling Won't Stop His Violence
Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together.
Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other.
You do not have a “relationship” problem that needs to be addressed – he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants.
Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.
Manipulation
Your partner's abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control you, and that pattern isn't going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what he wants.
Here are some common manipulative behaviors:
- Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends
- Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you've had together
- Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
- Tries to seduce you when you're vulnerable
- Uses veiled threats - to take the kids away, to quit attending the program, to cut off financial support
- His promises to change don't match his behavior
You may be so hopeful for change that you want to believe him, even if things don't feel any different. But trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe, then chances are you're not.
The Six Big Lies
If you hear your partner making statements like these while he is in a program, you need to understand that he is lying to you.
1. "I'm not the only one with a problem, you have a problem too."
2. "I'm not as bad as a lot of the other guys in there."
3. "As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
4. "We need to stay together to work this out."
5. "If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."
6. "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."
These statements have one thing in common: they let him off the hook for his choice to use abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept responsibility for his violence in order to change.
Couples Counseling Won't Stop His Violence
Your partner may try to get you to go to couples counseling, telling you that you both have a problem and should work on it together.
Couples counseling is never appropriate when one partner is choosing to use violence against the other.
You do not have a “relationship” problem that needs to be addressed – he is using violence and coercion to get what he wants.
Couples counseling can only work when both partners feel free to express their issues, concerns and desires freely. If one partner exerts power and control over the other, there is no basis for counseling that is free from fear and intimidation.
Manipulation
Your partner's abusive behavior is rooted in a desire to control you, and that pattern isn't going to change overnight. He may no longer be violent, but he may still try to exert control by manipulating you into doing what he wants.
Here are some common manipulative behaviors:
- Tries to invoke sympathy from you or family and friends
- Is overly charming; reminds you of all the good times you've had together
- Tries to buy you back with romantic gifts, dinners, flowers, etc.
- Tries to seduce you when you're vulnerable
- Uses veiled threats - to take the kids away, to quit attending the program, to cut off financial support
- His promises to change don't match his behavior
You may be so hopeful for change that you want to believe him, even if things don't feel any different. But trust your instincts. If you don't feel safe, then chances are you're not.
The Six Big Lies
If you hear your partner making statements like these while he is in a program, you need to understand that he is lying to you.
1. "I'm not the only one with a problem, you have a problem too."
2. "I'm not as bad as a lot of the other guys in there."
3. "As soon as I'm done with this program, I'll be cured."
4. "We need to stay together to work this out."
5. "If I weren't under so much stress, I wouldn't have such a short fuse."
6. "Now that I'm in this program, you have to be more understanding."
These statements have one thing in common: they let him off the hook for his choice to use abusive behavior. Remember, he needs to be willing to accept responsibility for his violence in order to change.