Some of the Behaviors and Actions of a Hostile Parent:
• Refuse to promote the most effective communication between parents. Hostile parents will often not talk to their former spouse and try to find ways to thwart any means of communication. Such parents may refuse to get fax machines (even when they can afford it) or divulge their E mail address. Hostile parents generally do not want to have a paper trail which may show that they are being uncooperative with the other parent.
• Always wait until the last minute to settle summer vacation or holiday periods. Hostile parents always are trying to find ways to frustrate the other parent. Often the only time that a hostile parent may cooperate is when they are threatened with imminent court action or other third party intervention.
• Not inform the other parent of upcoming school activities, events, or holidays when the child may be off from school.
• Keep the other parent off the school emergency contact list or advise the school that the other parent should be the last one called, even though that parent may be the one most available to come to the school in the event of an emergency.
• Choose daycare providers who are their own friends and know will side with them or bend the truth in their favor to help them make things difficult for the other parent.
• Choose daycare workers who they know will not get "involved" to help resolve problems or to keep silent about irregularities involving the children. When a daycare provider does try to do what is right or to expose problem, then the hostile parent will switch to another babysitter without notice to the other parent.
• Select daycare providers that only they have had the chance to talk to without any consultation or involvement with the other parent.
• Not ask the other parent to care for the child when the child is sick but instead prefer to take the child to daycare providers outside of the children's own family members.
• Not giving the other parent the chance to provide care for the child when the other parent is more than willing and able.
• Tell the other parent that the children are too sick to come for their regularly scheduled access visit or to be late because of illness.
• Create difficulties for the children to see the other parent on special occasions such as birthdays, father's or mother's day, special family gatherings, etc.
• Make the children feel guilty about seeing the other parent.
• Insist that the non-custodial parent return the children precisely on time while the custodial parent enjoy flexibility and is able to set their own times.
• Refuse to have a third party act as a mediator, coordinator, or have any other professional involved in helping the parents co-parent effectively.
• Take the children to counselors or other professionals to get letters of support in a custody dispute but do not want those counselors to meet or to obtain any input from the other parent. (Referred to in the industry as recommendation letters for sale)
• Refuse to participate in mediation or any kind of assessment program, which involves the participation of all the members of the family.
• Unwilling to consider any kind of fair and equal parenting arrangement for the children when such an arrangement is desired by the other parent and were circumstances would permit such an arrangement.
• Always exhibiting anger towards the other parent, months or years after the separation.
• Practice parental alienation techniques designed to keep the children and step children from seeing the other parent.
• Afraid to permit the non custodial parent to take the child to any kind of counseling or other third party professional in case the child may reveal something that they do not want the non custodial parent to find out about.
• Refuse to disclose important and relevant information from the non custodial parent which may be relevant to effective parenting of the child, such as refusing to disclose place of employment, phone numbers, contact numbers, health card information, etc., when there is no valid reason to keep this information secret.
• Make it difficult for the non-custodial parent to communicate with such as having the answering machine always on or having others pick up and screen calls, etc., etc.
• Encourage the children to lie and to hide about what is happening in their home.
The Family Assistance and Parent Support Program. Sept 13, 2000
• Refuse to promote the most effective communication between parents. Hostile parents will often not talk to their former spouse and try to find ways to thwart any means of communication. Such parents may refuse to get fax machines (even when they can afford it) or divulge their E mail address. Hostile parents generally do not want to have a paper trail which may show that they are being uncooperative with the other parent.
• Always wait until the last minute to settle summer vacation or holiday periods. Hostile parents always are trying to find ways to frustrate the other parent. Often the only time that a hostile parent may cooperate is when they are threatened with imminent court action or other third party intervention.
• Not inform the other parent of upcoming school activities, events, or holidays when the child may be off from school.
• Keep the other parent off the school emergency contact list or advise the school that the other parent should be the last one called, even though that parent may be the one most available to come to the school in the event of an emergency.
• Choose daycare providers who are their own friends and know will side with them or bend the truth in their favor to help them make things difficult for the other parent.
• Choose daycare workers who they know will not get "involved" to help resolve problems or to keep silent about irregularities involving the children. When a daycare provider does try to do what is right or to expose problem, then the hostile parent will switch to another babysitter without notice to the other parent.
• Select daycare providers that only they have had the chance to talk to without any consultation or involvement with the other parent.
• Not ask the other parent to care for the child when the child is sick but instead prefer to take the child to daycare providers outside of the children's own family members.
• Not giving the other parent the chance to provide care for the child when the other parent is more than willing and able.
• Tell the other parent that the children are too sick to come for their regularly scheduled access visit or to be late because of illness.
• Create difficulties for the children to see the other parent on special occasions such as birthdays, father's or mother's day, special family gatherings, etc.
• Make the children feel guilty about seeing the other parent.
• Insist that the non-custodial parent return the children precisely on time while the custodial parent enjoy flexibility and is able to set their own times.
• Refuse to have a third party act as a mediator, coordinator, or have any other professional involved in helping the parents co-parent effectively.
• Take the children to counselors or other professionals to get letters of support in a custody dispute but do not want those counselors to meet or to obtain any input from the other parent. (Referred to in the industry as recommendation letters for sale)
• Refuse to participate in mediation or any kind of assessment program, which involves the participation of all the members of the family.
• Unwilling to consider any kind of fair and equal parenting arrangement for the children when such an arrangement is desired by the other parent and were circumstances would permit such an arrangement.
• Always exhibiting anger towards the other parent, months or years after the separation.
• Practice parental alienation techniques designed to keep the children and step children from seeing the other parent.
• Afraid to permit the non custodial parent to take the child to any kind of counseling or other third party professional in case the child may reveal something that they do not want the non custodial parent to find out about.
• Refuse to disclose important and relevant information from the non custodial parent which may be relevant to effective parenting of the child, such as refusing to disclose place of employment, phone numbers, contact numbers, health card information, etc., when there is no valid reason to keep this information secret.
• Make it difficult for the non-custodial parent to communicate with such as having the answering machine always on or having others pick up and screen calls, etc., etc.
• Encourage the children to lie and to hide about what is happening in their home.
The Family Assistance and Parent Support Program. Sept 13, 2000
Some Additional Indicators of HAP Behaviour
1) Past history of denial of children’s access to a parent from one or more previous relationships. HAP parents with children from previous relationships often have children who do not have regular contact with their other biological parent and extended family. A high risk indicator would be if the HAP parent has another child who has been totally alienated from a parent and extended family from a previous relationship.
2) Past history of the HAP parent of being raised as a child in a home where Hostile-Aggressive Parenting was practiced by parents or guardians in that home. Quite often, parents and guardians suffering from HAP were raised by a parent who acted in a hostile manner against another parent. HAP behaviours can be passed down from one generation to the next.
3) The HAP parent has older or younger siblings in his/her own family who have been alienated from a parent or other family members.
4) Collection of child support from multiple parents for the same children. HAP parents will often use their children as profit centers and go after as many former partners for child support for the same children in a practice called double-dipping. In countries such as Canada, a custodial parent can collect child support from an unlimited number of parents who the HAP parent may have had a short relationship with.
5) History of physical or emotional abuse of a partner’s children from previous relationship during the time that hostile-aggressive parent was cohabitating with their partner. 6) History of obtaining one or more ex-parte court Orders against a current or former spouse which were used to gain an advantage in a family court matter.
7) Past history as a victim of sexual, physical abuse or neglect as a child or young adult.
8) Previous attempts at suicide or threats of suicide.
9) History of mental illness or suicide within the HAP parent’s own family.
10) Currently under medication for depression or mental illness or past history of mental illness or depression requiring treatment or medication.
11) Current or a past history of drug or alcohol abuse.
12) History of bad relations with third parties such as neighbours, landlords, babysitters, in-laws or past friends. HAP parents will often distance or cut off their relationship with most relatives on the other side of the child’s family.
13) Past history of being a “bully” in school.
14) The child’s school has felt it necessary to contact child protection agencies regarding the child’s physical or emotional well-being.
15) Parent has a documented history as a perpetrator of physical or emotional child abuse or neglect which has required involvement of a child protection agency
16) Past history as a foster child or child receiving temporary care or assistance of local child protection agencies.
17) History of neglect of children such as leaving children alone in the home when the children were too young to be left alone.
18) History as a perpetrator and/or as a victim of physical or emotional abuse against/from their partner during cohabitation.
19) Very few, or no, long term friendships. Hostile-aggressive parents tend to constantly move on to finding new friends and associates as people become aware of the hostile-aggressive parent’s behaviour and distance themselves from the HAP person.
20) History of protracted family or civil court litigation with one or more previous partners.
21) History of poor relationship with own parents or other members of immediate family.
22) Past history of conflict with in-laws and former in-laws from previous relationships.
23) History of having former partner(s) charged criminally for sexual or physical abuse. (Often hostile-aggressive parents use false allegations against the other parent to get revenge)
24) Neighbours and friends of the family also express concern about the behaviour and motivation of the hostile-aggressive parent.
25) Anger management problem such as history of yelling at children, spouse and others.
26) A pattern of multiple, short term sexual relationships or promiscuous lifestyle.
27) Past history of deceptive practices such as shoplifting, fraud, use of false or misleading information relating to abuse of welfare or immigration laws. In many cases, HAP parents are good liars and masters of deception.
28) Currently involved in an intimate or live-in relationship with a new partner. HAP parents may become more determined to alienate children from a previous relationship in an attempt to make the children more attached to a new partner.
29) Currently involved in an intimate or live-in relationship with a new partner who has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse, or who has a history of himself or herself of engaging in HAP behaviours. HAP parents often get strong support and encouragement from partners who themselves have a history of HAP behaviours. Quite often these new partners, view themselves as a saviour and will help their partner to get rid of their former partners and help to encourage conflict.
30) Past history of naming children from a relationship with the mother’s maiden name. HAP parents (mothers) will insist at the birth of their child that they want the child to carry their own last name rather than the name of the father which is considered normal for most North American tradition and culture. Many HAP parents quite often have already made plans to leave their current partners at a future convenient time, and even pregnancy may be part of their plan of deception. HAP parents generally want to get things in place that will give them full control when they do make the move to separate from their partners.
31) Past history of using a different surname to a partner they may have been married to as a form of disrespect to their current partner at the time. Some HAP mothers have been know to resort back to their maiden name and sometimes use the last name of former husbands even while married and living with new husband. This does not include those professional people such as doctors who are happily married but who keep their original surnames for professional reasons.
32) Past history of engaging in paternity fraud (usually mothers). Some HAP mothers have named a particular man into a relationship, claiming he was the father of their child, when in fact, he is not. Often this deception is done for purposes of collecting child support from the unwary man.
33) Escalating involvement in a religious organization or cult. Some HAP parents may increase their involvement in a religious group or cult. Often HAP parent find sympathetic supporters in such activities and are often able to get the others in the religious group to support their HAP behaviour. Many times the HAP parent will also get their child tied up with activities with the group and will use this as an excuse to deprive the other parent of access at times.
34) Currently collecting welfare or social assistance or has a history of collecting welfare or social assistance at various times over a number of years. Studies document that there is a direct link between poverty and problems within families. The risk of HAP behaviours are increased when parents are on social assistance, likely due to the added pressures caused by financial hardship.
35) Past history of HAP behaviour in previous relationships. Many HAP often end up becoming involved in multiple unsuccessful marriages or relationships during their lifetime. Upon investigation, many of their previous relationships involve HAP behaviours as well.
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services
2) Past history of the HAP parent of being raised as a child in a home where Hostile-Aggressive Parenting was practiced by parents or guardians in that home. Quite often, parents and guardians suffering from HAP were raised by a parent who acted in a hostile manner against another parent. HAP behaviours can be passed down from one generation to the next.
3) The HAP parent has older or younger siblings in his/her own family who have been alienated from a parent or other family members.
4) Collection of child support from multiple parents for the same children. HAP parents will often use their children as profit centers and go after as many former partners for child support for the same children in a practice called double-dipping. In countries such as Canada, a custodial parent can collect child support from an unlimited number of parents who the HAP parent may have had a short relationship with.
5) History of physical or emotional abuse of a partner’s children from previous relationship during the time that hostile-aggressive parent was cohabitating with their partner. 6) History of obtaining one or more ex-parte court Orders against a current or former spouse which were used to gain an advantage in a family court matter.
7) Past history as a victim of sexual, physical abuse or neglect as a child or young adult.
8) Previous attempts at suicide or threats of suicide.
9) History of mental illness or suicide within the HAP parent’s own family.
10) Currently under medication for depression or mental illness or past history of mental illness or depression requiring treatment or medication.
11) Current or a past history of drug or alcohol abuse.
12) History of bad relations with third parties such as neighbours, landlords, babysitters, in-laws or past friends. HAP parents will often distance or cut off their relationship with most relatives on the other side of the child’s family.
13) Past history of being a “bully” in school.
14) The child’s school has felt it necessary to contact child protection agencies regarding the child’s physical or emotional well-being.
15) Parent has a documented history as a perpetrator of physical or emotional child abuse or neglect which has required involvement of a child protection agency
16) Past history as a foster child or child receiving temporary care or assistance of local child protection agencies.
17) History of neglect of children such as leaving children alone in the home when the children were too young to be left alone.
18) History as a perpetrator and/or as a victim of physical or emotional abuse against/from their partner during cohabitation.
19) Very few, or no, long term friendships. Hostile-aggressive parents tend to constantly move on to finding new friends and associates as people become aware of the hostile-aggressive parent’s behaviour and distance themselves from the HAP person.
20) History of protracted family or civil court litigation with one or more previous partners.
21) History of poor relationship with own parents or other members of immediate family.
22) Past history of conflict with in-laws and former in-laws from previous relationships.
23) History of having former partner(s) charged criminally for sexual or physical abuse. (Often hostile-aggressive parents use false allegations against the other parent to get revenge)
24) Neighbours and friends of the family also express concern about the behaviour and motivation of the hostile-aggressive parent.
25) Anger management problem such as history of yelling at children, spouse and others.
26) A pattern of multiple, short term sexual relationships or promiscuous lifestyle.
27) Past history of deceptive practices such as shoplifting, fraud, use of false or misleading information relating to abuse of welfare or immigration laws. In many cases, HAP parents are good liars and masters of deception.
28) Currently involved in an intimate or live-in relationship with a new partner. HAP parents may become more determined to alienate children from a previous relationship in an attempt to make the children more attached to a new partner.
29) Currently involved in an intimate or live-in relationship with a new partner who has a history of violence, drug or alcohol abuse, or who has a history of himself or herself of engaging in HAP behaviours. HAP parents often get strong support and encouragement from partners who themselves have a history of HAP behaviours. Quite often these new partners, view themselves as a saviour and will help their partner to get rid of their former partners and help to encourage conflict.
30) Past history of naming children from a relationship with the mother’s maiden name. HAP parents (mothers) will insist at the birth of their child that they want the child to carry their own last name rather than the name of the father which is considered normal for most North American tradition and culture. Many HAP parents quite often have already made plans to leave their current partners at a future convenient time, and even pregnancy may be part of their plan of deception. HAP parents generally want to get things in place that will give them full control when they do make the move to separate from their partners.
31) Past history of using a different surname to a partner they may have been married to as a form of disrespect to their current partner at the time. Some HAP mothers have been know to resort back to their maiden name and sometimes use the last name of former husbands even while married and living with new husband. This does not include those professional people such as doctors who are happily married but who keep their original surnames for professional reasons.
32) Past history of engaging in paternity fraud (usually mothers). Some HAP mothers have named a particular man into a relationship, claiming he was the father of their child, when in fact, he is not. Often this deception is done for purposes of collecting child support from the unwary man.
33) Escalating involvement in a religious organization or cult. Some HAP parents may increase their involvement in a religious group or cult. Often HAP parent find sympathetic supporters in such activities and are often able to get the others in the religious group to support their HAP behaviour. Many times the HAP parent will also get their child tied up with activities with the group and will use this as an excuse to deprive the other parent of access at times.
34) Currently collecting welfare or social assistance or has a history of collecting welfare or social assistance at various times over a number of years. Studies document that there is a direct link between poverty and problems within families. The risk of HAP behaviours are increased when parents are on social assistance, likely due to the added pressures caused by financial hardship.
35) Past history of HAP behaviour in previous relationships. Many HAP often end up becoming involved in multiple unsuccessful marriages or relationships during their lifetime. Upon investigation, many of their previous relationships involve HAP behaviours as well.
Understanding and effectively dealing with Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) Published by Family Conflict Resolution Services
